Dear Sam,
Life with you isn't what I had expected it would be, but that doesn't mean I don't love it. I love you so much...more than you'll ever know. When I found out I was going to have you it was unexpected. I didn't think I was going to be having any more kids. But I decided it would be good. I decided that I would enjoy you and that I would appreciate the little things that I may have been too busy to appreciate when Emily and Gabe were small. I knew you would be my last child, and it was going to be fun...I was looking forward to playing dress up and play-doh, and reading stories, and coloring. Well, things are not what I expected, but that's ok. I want you to know that even if I had known that things were going to be different with you, that wouldn't have changed anything. I never did get some of the tests that doctors like to give...like the test for Down Syndrome....because I figured that whatever happened was meant to be, and it wouldn't change how much I would love you.
I'm sorry if I seem sad sometimes, and if I cry more than I should. I try very hard, but I have my own struggles, too. You see, I've struggled with sadness ever since I was small....since I was a little girl like you. I try very hard to make it go away, but sometimes I can't. There are days when it takes all that I have just to get Emily and Gabe to school, take you to therapy, take you to school, wash the dishes and the clothes and feed the three of you. I'm sorry...I'm doing the best that I can, which some days is not good enough.
No children are born with a book of instructions, but parents usually have guidelines and help with what to do. With you I sometimes feel like I'm trying to learn a new language with nobody to teach me. I'm immersed in it and I'm trying so hard, but I know sometimes I don't get it. I'm sorry that sometimes I get frustrated. I will become more fluent in this language as time goes by. It's just going to take a lot of work.
I know that you will probably live with me and need my help for all of my days. I worry that my days on this earth will not be long enough....then who will take care of you? I know that Emily and Gabe love you so much and will always be there for you....but I want them to have their own dreams and live their own lives, too. So I will try to take care of myself so I can live a long time to take care of you.
You are such a sweet girl. At the end of the day I love lying down with you to go to sleep. I love when you wrap your little arms around my arm and snuggle in. Your smile makes my heart happy. I promise that I will always take care of you, I will always fight for you, and I will always love you...for all my days on Earth.
I'm so glad that I'm your mommy. :)
12 comments:
*hug*
This is the most beautiful letter ever!
((hugs)) That is fantastic Christine. So beautiful :)
The unexpected is our world! I identify with so much of what you say, and want you to know that sharing it with us makes me feel much less alone.
Absolutely perfect.
Beautifully said. Know that you are not alone with your concerns and worries. Those of us with special needs children often are blessed to slow down and reflect more than our counterparts. It's a good thing.
thank you everyone :)
Beautiful letter to your sam, she's blessed to have you as her mommy like emily and gabe are as well.
Beautiful.
Sam is a very lucky girl. She has a caring, loving, wonderful mom! I feel what you say and know the depth of your love.
WOW! It is amazing to me that you think that what you do as a mom sometimes isn't good enough. I have the privilege to see you coming and going often as you fully engage in meeting the various needs and roles for your children. You are an incredible mom! And I see that you and Sam teach each other important life lessons on a regular basis. You have my support and awe as you live your life as much more of a woman than a mom of special needs child. You go girl!
Thanks again to everyone!
@Pat...thank you, that really means a lot to me! Self doubt is one of my specialties. :)
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