As a mom it's my job to comfort my kids. When they fall down and get hurt, when they're upset and crying....I pick them up and soothe them and tell them it will be ok. That's the way it's supposed to work anyway. That's the way it always used to work. But not with Sam. When she's upset and crying most of the time I can't even figure out why, and of course she can't tell me. When she's upset she doesn't come to me for comfort like my other kids did. She doesn't want to be held and cuddled. Usually a cracker or a car ride can give her more comfort than I can (or at least it's a distraction from what's wrong in her world). As a mother this makes me feel helpless and like a failure. I can't even give comfort to my own child. In my head I know that's not true....I know it's just because things are different with Sam. But in my heart.....in my heart it hurts so much.
6 comments:
I know how you're feeling. I hate this part of autism. When Tommy gets so upset, I just want to hug him and tell him everything will be ok. Or just comfort him. Sometimes, he'll actually SEEK me to hug him when he's feeling sad. Other times, which seems so random, just me TALKING will make the situation worse. It's like, sensory overload for him. I've learned to tell the difference between the two. I know when I can hug him and comfort him.. and i know where the line is when I CAN'T even speak or touch him. It sucks. A LOT. Thats when my pups come in to play. I'll hug and love them.. it fills MY void :(
((((hugs)))))
I have struggled with this issue too. I remember the hours of "colic"... And our doctor saying 'you can call it colic when they cry at least 3 hours a day, 3 days a week, 3 weeks in a row'. I remember thinking... Well it is 13 hours. 13 days; 13 weeks... One of my favorite Benny stories was a comfort story... We were at the clinic for the twins 2 year checkup. We worried about immunizations, because of what we had heard for the 2 months since Benny's official pdd diagnosis. But we did tons of research and decided to do the immunizations. Benny hollered and fought while I held him tight. When it was over, I was sobbing. Benny, who never talked *to* people, turned around in my arms, patted my back, and said the words he had heard me say millions of times in his wee little life, "I know, I know..." Somewhere deep inside, he had felt comfort, who knows how many times, and Benny used that small expression to comfort me. All we can do as comforters is *try*. Again & again & again. And we may never get it "right", but we keep on trying. Because at some level, they get it. And we need to support each other, patting each other on the back, and being the voice that says "I know. I know" because our little ones are often unable to be their own voice. Love you Christine! And "I know..."
Same thing with Lily. Even when we KNOW why she's crying. . . fell and hit her head, that sort of thing. I don't get the sense that me holding her and stroking her back and telling her I know it hurts is giving her much of anything in terms of 'comfort'.
But we do it just the same. If nothing else, it's modeling. She knows that when she's sad she gets held. She'll think of it as 'what happens'.
And then we give her a fruit snack and all's right with the world. We can still pretend it was the hugs and not the fruit snack that made her feel better.
I understand.
But you know what? You ARE comforting her by knowing what calms her. And you're doing a phenomenal job.
Thanks everyone! you're all so insightful! I suppose we do calm our kids, even if it's in a way that isn't "typical". And I WILL keep trying until the day I die. :)
I've always said, "if she could just tell me what's wrong I would do whatever I could to make it better!!" So sad.
Post a Comment