A Sugar & Spice Life

Comfort

2012-01-16T05:39:00.001-06:00

As a mom it's my job to comfort my kids. When they fall down and get hurt, when they're upset and crying....I pick them up and soothe them and tell them it will be ok. That's the way it's supposed to work anyway. That's the way it always used to work. But not with Sam. When she's upset and crying most of the time I can't even figure out why, and of course she can't tell me. When she's upset she doesn't come to me for comfort like my other kids did. She doesn't want to be held and cuddled. Usually a cracker or a car ride can give her more comfort than I can (or at least it's a distraction from what's wrong in her world). As a mother this makes me feel helpless and like a failure. I can't even give comfort to my own child. In my head I know that's not true....I know it's just because things are different with Sam. But in my heart.....in my heart it hurts so much.

Silent Sunday....one picture, no words

2012-01-15T09:26:00.003-06:00

no way....6 months!

2012-01-14T18:34:00.000-06:00

This is going to be a short post. I believe that today marks 6 months since Sam's last seizure! I say "I believe" because I wondered if she had one two months ago. I didn't see a seizure, but she threw up in the morning one day....she has often thrown up post ictally. But, then Emily and I both ended up with a stomach bug within a couple days of that, so I think she was just sick. So we're going to say 6 months today! If you'd like to read more about Sam's seizures see this post that I wrote at the 3 month mark. Like I mentioned back then, I do expect that we'll see them again, but the longer we go without them the better!

Unglued

2012-01-11T06:42:00.000-06:00

If you're guessing from the title that I'm coming unglued you're wrong. Although if you would have guessed that a little over a month ago you would have nailed it!

No, what I'm referring to is a new craft show in Fargo (new meaning this is only the 2nd year). From the Unglued website: "Unglued Craft Fest is an indie craft fair and bazaar bringing back traditional crafting techniques with a fresh, new flair and lots of midwest love." Now, I haven't done a craft show in many years, because they're a lot of work and usually I've found they aren't worth the trouble. But this is the kind of show I've been waiting for....a show with a fresh, new perspective!

In November I debated as to whether or not I should apply. I figured it couldn't hurt....if I got in I didn't have to do it. So I applied. On January 1st I woke up to an email saying I got in! (which is awesome because I love being accepted and I hate rejection...who doesn't). But then I started second guessing myself. I really wanted to do this show.....but that meant asking others (my mom and my sister) for help. I have a hard time asking for help. Don't get me wrong, they're always happy to help when I do ask for it, and they've never made me feel otherwise. It makes me feel better now that my sister gets paid to help (she's our PCA worker....I really need to blog about that). But the day of the show will be at least 9 hours of asking others to take care of Sam. It also means at least 9 hours of being away from Sam...and worrying. I thought about it. I talked it over with my mom. I (we) decided that I really should do this show. It will be good for me. I need to rely on others once in awhile. I need to be able to trust others with Sam while I'm away (for more than just an hour) and know that she'll be ok. I also need to expand my life beyond autism and epilepsy and special needs. I want to. I love to make things....working with my hands and making happy things is essential in keeping my depression away. It's always been that way for me. And I want to get out there and mingle with like minded creative-type people. I love all of my autism/special needs friends online and in real life, but there's more to life, isn't there? There has to be.

So maybe I'm making too much of this, but for me doing this show isn't just about making a few bucks (hopefully).....it's about getting out and meeting people, and making progress in my own life, and healing. Does that make sense? Well it makes sense to me, and I guess that's what matters. :)

Anyway, I know most of you reading this aren't in the FM area, but if you are, think about coming to the show....I'd love to see you!

"She has great hair!" (if you only knew.....)

2012-01-01T06:51:00.000-06:00

Sam has great hair. It's long and thick and has body....she did NOT get it from me. It's kind of funny because as a baby she had rubbed it off completely bald in the back. Anyway, she gets compliments on her hair from strangers. On the surface this seems nice, but inside it sometimes feels like a knife in my heart. Generally when it happens it goes something like this:

A nice mom/grandma says: "She has beautiful hair! How old is she?"

Me: "Thank you. She's 3 1/2."

The mom/grandma lady: "Oh, my daughter/granddaughter is 3 and she hardly has any hair. I'm SO jealous!"

Me: "Thank you." (smile)

But what I'm thinking is: "If you only knew. I bet your daughter/granddaughter speaks. I bet she says "mommy"/"grandma" and gives you hugs and wants you to read books to her. I bet she loves the Disney Princesses and plays with baby dolls. My daughter doesn't do any of that. She can't even speak. I'm so jealous."

But of course I don't say that. They're just being nice...they're giving her a compliment. And compliments are good, right? So I just smile and say "thank you" and then I might get in my car and cry. If they only knew.....

2011....a look back

2011-12-31T09:46:00.000-06:00

It's that time again....I'm thinking back over the year. A lot has happened....some of it hard and stressful (I went through a divorce)....some of it very good.

This might seem weird and it probably doesn't make sense. I realized the other day that it's been half of her life now. Sam has now lived as much of her life after her regression as she did before her regression. I've been waiting for this. For some stupid reason I'm kind of glad to have reached this point. I feel somewhat relieved. I think it helps me to feel like we're moving on....we're moving further away from that past that's so painful for me to remember (see this post). Onward and upward, right?

"dancing" to the Spongebob theme song

There are good things happening with all of my kids. Emily and Gabe's dad moved back to town in August, which has been good for all of us. Emily tried out for the middle school musical and is really enjoying it. Gabe (who has never been a reader) recently started reading the Harry Potter books and loves them! He's now turning off the TV to read all on his own! And Sam....she's making progress. Sometimes it's hard to explain to others what that progress is, but I see it, and her therapists see it. She is more with us than she used to be. This was the year that she started walking....something that at times I thought would never happen. She's got a lot of potential I know. If I could have one wish for 2012 it would be that she would say a word....just one word would make me happy beyond belief. It might happen and it might not. Maybe it will happen in 2013 or 2014..... I'll just keep hoping.

All in all I'd say 2011 hasn't been such a bad year.

I hope 2012 is a good year for everyone...Happy New Year!

My 2011 Christmas Post

2011-12-24T19:15:00.000-06:00

I hope everyone is having a nice Christmas. I won't say I hope you're having a wonderful Christmas, because that puts a lot of pressure on you. ;^)

We opened most of our presents tonight, but Sam didn't want any part of that. She went off into the bedroom for some quiet time, and that's fine. She does seem to be enjoying her new tent though!

She also got one of her presents a few days ago...a swing from her grandma and grandpa! We put it in the basement, because the winters get long here in Minnesota, and when we can't get outside she NEEDS some more sensory stuff in the house. She loves the swing! I took a video earlier today. Sam also enjoys ukelele music, which you'll hear in this video, thanks to Emily and Gabe's dad (he wants people to know that he's only had the ukelele for a few months and he's still learning). Anyway....Merry Christmas everyone. I hope you're having a good one. :)

The Pink Kitchen

2011-12-23T21:26:00.000-06:00

Stupid super cute pink kitchen

Tonight I was thinking back on the Christmases we've had since Sam was born. This will be her 4th Christmas, and it's our 2nd one with autism. I was thinking about how last Christmas was really tough for me, and this year I'm doing better. Then I started thinking back to Sam's second Christmas....the Christmas right before her regression. That was the Christmas she got her pink retro kitchen. I was so excited to give it to her, because to me it's probably the cutest play kitchen EVER! She was 20 months old. She liked it. She would hold the phone up to her ear and stir with a spoon in a pot sitting on the stove. I don't remember more because I'm pretty good at repressing painful memories. Then February hit and she didn't do that anymore. She didn't play pretend any more. She didn't use words any more. She didn't smile for the camera any more. She withdrew into herself. And the pink kitchen just sat there. It still sits there. She goes to it once in awhile but she doesn't play with it "appropriately". It sits there right in my living room and gets used as a shelf. Part of me wants to move it to the basement because it hurts to look at it, but I haven't been able to. Stupid pink kitchen.

The whole Santa thing

2011-12-20T16:41:00.000-06:00

Some people struggle over the whole issue of Santa. Should you tell your child about Santa and "lie" to them but let them enjoy the fun, or should you be honest? I wish I had that issue with Sam. I actually never had a problem with Santa....Emily and Gabe believed in Santa. When I had Sam I thought how fun it would be for all of us (Emily and Gabe included) to do the whole Santa thing with her. Well that's not happening. She has no clue. I've been kind of bummed about that. But the other day I realized that just because at the age of 3 1/2 she's not able to comprehend Christmas and Santa and all of that....it doesn't mean that she won't be able to at the age of 5, or 7, or 15, or 20....it might still happen. And that realization gives me hope. :)

A new stim....and it's a good one

2011-12-10T07:14:00.001-06:00

Sorry for the lack of posting lately. Let's just say I hit a rough patch, but now I think I'm back.

So, what's new?....Sam has developed what *I think* is a new stim over the past few days. Shrieking. Oh joy! She will shriek/scream (kind of like a large bird) over and over....the other night it was for about an hour. It's not a tantrum, it definitely seems to be more of a stim. I think it's harmless, but it's pretty unnerving and annoying. Good thing she's cute, right? ----------------------------->

Oh, and also, if you remember, Sam didn't start walking until after she turned 3....so her walking skills still aren't up to par with most kids her age. But she's definitely improving! So now she's starting to be able to turn circles while standing in the middle of the floor. It's an attempt at spinning. No big deal right? Except that she wants to do it with her eyes closed......way to make me nervous!

It would be a lot less nerve wracking if she would just stick to spinning the toilet paper off the roll!

Edited to add a video of our wonderful new stim! (enjoy!)

Keep Talking (or Why I Blog)

2011-11-21T08:34:00.000-06:00

I have this friend, Roseann (hey Roseann!). I've known her for many years now, and even though we've never met in real life (someday!) she's watched me go through some major life changes. We were messaging several weeks ago, and I was talking about Sam. Roseann said she really believes that things happen for a reason. And then she said that maybe I was dropped into this situation because of my ability to talk about it. She said "Its a bigger picture than I think you can comprehend" and then "I'm a firm believer that we are put into the situations we are for the greater good of others". Wow. In all of the thinking and rationalizing I've done I've never thought of it in quite that way. I mean, yes, I've thought that maybe this has happened so that Sam and I can help someone else. But it hadn't dawned on me that my ability to talk about it could be a key component in and of itself. Crazy.

I do talk about it. I think it's important. I talk on my blog. I talk in real life. I'm open about Sam's autism and epilepsy. I talk about (some of) my feelings.....there are some feelings that are probably best kept to myself, at least for now. I've mentioned before that one reason I talk is because I believe that the more the general public knows and understands about autism and other disabilities the better life will be for Sam and others like her. People tend to be more comfortable with things they're familiar with.

I also talk because it's good for ME. It's cathartic, and it helps me to connect with other parents. Every single time I write about something thinking "I'm the only one", I find that I'm not and I don't feel so alone. There are usually lots of others out there with the same or similar feelings. When I talk sometimes I even find that something I've said has helped someone else to not feel so alone.

So I will keep talking....on my blog and in my community. Because I think it will help Sam, I know it helps me, and maybe once in awhile it helps someone else. There might not be very many people listening to me, but even a small pebble creates ripples on a pond.

So maybe Roseann was right. Maybe this happened because I am able to talk. Maybe it's bigger than me and bigger than Sam.

I will keep talking because Sam cannot. I hope that you will keep talking, too.

Silent Sunday....one picture, no words

2011-11-20T08:07:00.000-06:00

Newbie

2011-11-19T07:51:00.001-06:00

Emily and Sam

Sam's official diagnosis was a year ago, although I knew before then. Her regression happened in February of 2010....it hasn't even been 2 years. And yet, I feel like I've been doing this forever. Did I really have a life before autism? It's hard to imagine....things have changed so much. But I realized the other day that even though it feels like I've been doing this forever, I'm really just a newbie. I see other parents who have been doing this for years or for decades, and I see that I have so far to go. But if I look too far into the future it's overwhelming. I think that I need to keep my eyes focused on today and keep putting one foot in front of the other if I'm going to make it on this journey.....with Sam's hand in mine.

An open letter to my daughter Samantha

2011-11-03T12:14:00.002-05:00

Dear Sam,
Life with you isn't what I had expected it would be, but that doesn't mean I don't love it. I love you so much...more than you'll ever know. When I found out I was going to have you it was unexpected. I didn't think I was going to be having any more kids. But I decided it would be good. I decided that I would enjoy you and that I would appreciate the little things that I may have been too busy to appreciate when Emily and Gabe were small. I knew you would be my last child, and it was going to be fun...I was looking forward to playing dress up and play-doh, and reading stories, and coloring. Well, things are not what I expected, but that's ok. I want you to know that even if I had known that things were going to be different with you, that wouldn't have changed anything. I never did get some of the tests that doctors like to give...like the test for Down Syndrome....because I figured that whatever happened was meant to be, and it wouldn't change how much I would love you.

I'm sorry if I seem sad sometimes, and if I cry more than I should. I try very hard, but I have my own struggles, too. You see, I've struggled with sadness ever since I was small....since I was a little girl like you. I try very hard to make it go away, but sometimes I can't. There are days when it takes all that I have just to get Emily and Gabe to school, take you to therapy, take you to school, wash the dishes and the clothes and feed the three of you. I'm sorry...I'm doing the best that I can, which some days is not good enough.

No children are born with a book of instructions, but parents usually have guidelines and help with what to do. With you I sometimes feel like I'm trying to learn a new language with nobody to teach me. I'm immersed in it and I'm trying so hard, but I know sometimes I don't get it. I'm sorry that sometimes I get frustrated. I will become more fluent in this language as time goes by. It's just going to take a lot of work.

I know that you will probably live with me and need my help for all of my days. I worry that my days on this earth will not be long enough....then who will take care of you? I know that Emily and Gabe love you so much and will always be there for you....but I want them to have their own dreams and live their own lives, too. So I will try to take care of myself so I can live a long time to take care of you.

You are such a sweet girl. At the end of the day I love lying down with you to go to sleep. I love when you wrap your little arms around my arm and snuggle in. Your smile makes my heart happy. I promise that I will always take care of you, I will always fight for you, and I will always love you...for all my days on Earth.

I'm so glad that I'm your mommy. :)

Happy Halloween!

2011-10-31T09:01:00.001-05:00

For some reason it feels like Halloween should already be over. Maybe it's because we had a party where Sam goes to therapy last week, and then the Fall Carnival at Gabe's school on Saturday. It's been a whole week of Halloween! Sam has done really well. Noises don't bother her, so she's done well at the parties (better than I have....I tend to get sensory overload!). She loves the pumpkins! They make her kind of stimmy. She tried to eat her jack-o-lantern, so I bought her a new, uncut pumpkin to play with.


See the flapping?

Do you want to see her costume? I went cheap and put her in an old costume that Gabe wore one year. Prepare to be scared!

OMG! It's a super scary vampire!

Tonight we're going to try trick or treating to a few houses. It's going to be really nice out, which we really appreciate on Halloween in Minnesota. Emily and Gabe are looking forward to seeing Sam trick or treat a little. We'll see how she likes it. I hope everyone has a fun Halloween!

Silent Sunday....one picture, no words

2011-10-30T07:26:00.000-05:00

Christmas is coming.....

2011-10-24T20:37:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I know, it's only the end of October....but on the other hand, it's already the end of October!!! I'm one of those people who likes to get her Christmas shopping done early. Emily and Gabe are no sweat....they start making lists during the summer. But Sam, she's another story. I went through this last year, too. What do I get for Sam? She doesn't ask for things. She's pretty unimpressed with most toys. She has a few favorites that she plays with, but new ones usually get cast aside. She likes her "Bear in the Big Blue House" books, but we already have stacks and stacks of those. She doesn't open presents at all.

Maybe Bear could come to our house for Christmas!

Then it dawned on me.....

Am I buying presents for Sam, or are they actually for me? It's become pretty obvious that I'm not buying them because she wants them. It's because of my expectations of what Christmas is...(I know that gift giving isn't what Christmas is all about, but as a parent I still want to buy some presents for my kids). With Sam I've had to put many of my expectations aside, and I'm (usually) ok with that. It has to be the same with Christmas. So if I can't find anything at all to buy for her that's ok. She doesn't care. I might find something I think she'd like and I might not. It's all good. I know she'll enjoy playing with the Christmas tree and eating Christmas cookies. Those simple things will make Sam happy, and so they'll make me happy, too. :)

“And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow,
stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons.
It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags.
And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before.
What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store.
What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.”

----the Grinch Who Stole Christmas

oh, rats!

2011-10-22T12:39:00.000-05:00

So....Emily (my 14 year old) has been ~~bugging~~ asking me for some time to get some kind of small animal. I've always said NO, because I remember clearly that when I was a kid and we had lots of different small animals, my mom was always the one who ended up taking care of them. Plus, we already have 2 obnoxious dogs. Also....do you know how much it costs to set up housing for a rat, guinea pig, or hamster these days???? omg! Anyway, Emily was telling me just the other day that she was going to save up her $ for a hamster and I was all "I don't think so". And then yesterday the stars must have aligned in her favor, because I got a message on facebook from a friend of mine saying "Any chance you want 2 sweet rats?? I will give you all their stuff too." Well, you can guess what happened from there. We're now the owners of 2 cute little girl rats! Rats have always been my favorite rodent. We had lots of them growing up. How could I say no??? I've been trying to get some good pictures of them, but they're in constant motion so I'm not having much luck. The white one is Amelia and the black and white one is Renfield (that's what happen when an 11 year old boy names a rat). Aren't they the cutest??? :)

understanding????

2011-10-22T07:52:00.001-05:00

If you've read my blog before you probably know that Sam is nonverbal. She doesn't use signs or pictures to communicate, either. (Hopefully this will change someday). It's difficult to know what she understands. I do know that she understands a lot more than people might think. For example, when we're leaving the house she'll walk over to the stroller or the car door, depending on what I've told her we're doing. Last night I said "let's get your shoes and socks on". She came over and sat in front of me and her shoes, and gave me her foot. When she does things like that I know she understands....but much of the time I don't know. I've read many times about people with autism who say that even when they were nonverbal they could understand everything people were saying. This leaves me wondering.....am I working on the wrong things with Sam? Am I keeping things too simple when she could be understanding more? It's so hard to know when I'm not getting much feedback from her, and so I struggle with this. Before her regression she knew some body parts, some animal noises, etc....did she forget all of that when she regressed or is that still in her head? I just don't know. It's so difficult to know what to try to teach her when it seems that she doesn't pay attention and she gives me no feedback. With my typical children I knew once they understood a concept. With Sam I could talk about the color red every hour of every day, and I wouldn't know when or if she got it. Sometimes I feel lost. I don't always understand what she understands.

3 months (and counting)

2011-10-14T07:08:00.000-05:00

I haven't talked very much about Sam's epilepsy here on my blog. Maybe it's because the autism affects us more day to day. Although the epilepsy does too. Even though Sam doesn't have daily seizures like some people do, the seizures affect the things we do. I guess I'm a bit of a helicopter mom. I will only leave her with a couple of people...so as you can probably guess, I don't get much time to myself and I never go out! If she didn't have epilepsy my older daughter Emily (14) would be able to watch her for short periods of time while I ran to the grocery store or to an appointment, but we can't do that. I'm also not comfortable being very far from school while she's at school. Luckily we live about 2 minutes from school. But I won't go more than about 5 minutes away, just in case I get a call that she's had a seizure. That might seem weird, but the thing is, all of Sam's seizures are long and require the use of Diastat to stop them. Also, she's had status seizures twice in her short life, which resulted in her being hospitalized. This makes for a bit of a paranoid ME.

thanks to my friend Amanda for this picture!

Anyway, the real point of this post is to share with you that today marks 3 months that Sam has gone without a seizure! This is huge for us! (I hope I haven't jinxed it). This is the longest period she's had seizure free since the winter of 2009/2010. Even if she has her next seizure this week, I'm very happy that she's made it this long. I suspect that her meds are helping, but realistically I don't think that she'll remain seizure free. Sam has 2 areas of cognitive malformation....subependymal heterotopia and mild pachygyria, which are both associated with seizures that tend to be intractable, or med-resistant. So unless there is some breakthrough treatment, it's likely that seizures will always be a part of her life. But, hey...the fewer of them she has the better! So YAY for 3 months!

Cleaning out and letting go

2011-10-12T20:14:00.000-05:00

We've been doing some "fall cleaning" around here....going through stuff and getting rid of the things we no longer need. Most of this is kids' stuff....books and toys from when Emily and Gabe were younger.

Doing this is at times tough for me. I know it's tough for a lot of parents to get rid of things that have sentimental value...things that your kids loved when they were little. But that's not the hardest part for me. In fact I think I'm less sentimental about objects than a lot of people are. For me, it's autism that makes it hard.

It's difficult for me to get rid of things that I was saving for Sam....toys that Emily loved that I thought Sam would enjoy as well. But autism changed that. Sam does not play pretend. She has no interest in dolls, or play dishes....things that you'd expect 3 year old girls to play with. She does not play "appropriately" with toys. She has a only a few favorites, and to save a ton of toys in hopes that she may someday use them......I've decided I'm not going to do that, at least not with everything. If the day comes that she is able to tell me she wants some cheap plastic dishes or Barbies or something else that I've gotten rid of......well then I'll be on cloud nine, and I'll be thrilled to speed to the store with my debit card in hand and buy her new ones. So I've decided to get rid of some things that have just been sitting not getting played with since the last time Emily touched them years ago....Polly Pockets, Barbies, all but 2 of the baby dolls. I have kept some things though...Littlest Pet Shop and the Loving Family doll house. I'm not ready to get rid of everything yet, and that stuff is really expensive!

I've given away a lot of books, too. Emily has always loved to read and she had lots of books. I kept a few of the sets, like the Arthur books, Junie B. Jones and Judy Moody.....they don't take up much room (just in case). But a lot of them are gone. Right now Sam doesn't even like to be read to. She likes to look at certain books, but she likes to flip through them herself. If/when that changes....again, I'll be happy to buy her any books that she wants!

As I was writing this I realized....this process is much more than letting go of stuff. It's letting go of what I thought was going to be....what I thought life would be like with Sam. It's growth. It's moving on. It makes me sad and it makes me feel good at the same time.

And you're not going to be seeing ME on Hoarders. :)

It's time for a giveaway!

2011-10-09T20:54:00.002-05:00

****** 10/24: Holly is the winner!******

Here's something I've been curious about: in families with a special needs child (or children), how many have 2 working parents? Of all the statistics out there, I haven't been able to find anything on that. I'm guessing that often times it's necessary for one parent (if there are 2 parents in the home) to stay at home. Seriously, with all of Sam's therapies, school, and extra appointments I can't imagine trying to work outside of the home right now. I feel fortunate that I had my doll business going before she was born. Sure, I'm not getting rich with it, but it does help contribute to our income. And maybe more importantly, it's something that I have that's mine. I really love sewing and creating, and even if I can only do it for a few minutes on some days it helps to keep me sane and happy. Sewing and coffee are my antidepressants. :)

Anyway, I've just finished stocking my etsy shop with a bunch of new dolls, and I realized that it's about time to have a giveaway! Here's what you can win: any item in my shop up to a value of $34! That's right...you get to pick! I have lots to choose from. There are blond, brunette and red headed dolls, African American dolls, epilepsy and autism awareness dolls, teddy bears, Christmas tree toppers, bunting, doll quilts, and pillows. I think that's about it. You can see them here in my etsy shop.

a sample of what's in my etsy shop

It's easy to enter, and each person can have up to 3 entries.

Entry #1: go to my etsy shop and look through what's for sale... then come back here and post which item you'd choose if you won in the comments section below. Please leave an email address so I can contact you if you're the winner! Also, if you'd like to you can tell me how you've worked out the working situation in your family. I'd also love to hear what you do to stay sane/keep your spirits up!

Entry #2: tweet about this giveaway with a link to this blog post and leave a separate comment telling me that you tweeted.

Entry #3: post about this giveaway with a link to this blog post on facebook, and leave a separate comment below telling me that you did.

I'll take entries through midnight on October 23, 2011. The winner will be chosen by a random number generator and announced on October 24, 2011. Good luck! :)

Silent Sunday....one picture, no words

2011-10-09T06:49:00.000-05:00

Well this is awkward...

2011-10-06T10:49:00.001-05:00

It's probably pretty obvious that I'm very open about Sam's autism. I'm guessing that everyone who has know us for more than 10 minutes knows about it. I don't have a problem talking about it. In fact, my philosophy is that the more people know about autism, the more comfortable they'll be with it, and the better life will be for Sam.

That said, I'm never quite sure what to do when we're only going to be around someone for a couple of minutes. Usually it isn't an issue, but it does get awkward when someone tries to engage her in conversation. Usually this happens in a store with a cashier. Sam doesn't appear to have a disability (unless she's in serious stim-mode), and she's now at the age (3 1/2) that people expect her to respond to them. Well that's not going to happen! Usually I just kind of answer their questions for her, but I realize that's not going to work for much longer, as she gets older.

This morning we ran into Walmart on our way to OT. The cashier there was more determined than they usually are to get a response out of Sam. After answering several questions that were directed at Sam myself, the lady said "she must be shy". I decided to answer honestly, and said matter-of-factly "she doesn't speak, she has autism". Then I felt bad because I was afraid that I made the lady uncomfortable. It seemed to throw her off for a second, but she quickly recovered and said something like "then you've had to learn how to communicate with her". (That's the truth!). She was very nice....we mentioned a thing or two about therapy and then Sam and I were on our way. We got back out to the car, I buckled Sam in her seat, and then I started to cry. I didn't see that coming at all. What the hell was I crying about?

available on cafepress.com

So I guess my conundrum is...while I'm open about autism, I want to talk about it when it's appropriate. I don't want my introductory statement to people we just meet be "hi, my child has autism!". Sometimes it would be tempting to put a button like this on her...it would help to avoid the awkward situations...but I don't think I'll go that route. Besides that particular button would be a lie because she really is ignoring them!

So how do you handle this kind of situation?

Just a plain old ordinary day....

2011-10-04T12:48:00.000-05:00

....and I wouldn't have it any other way.

To say I've never been an adventure seeker would be an understatement. I've never needed a lot of excitement in my life.

But the events that have unfolded over the last 3 1/2 years have made me realize how much I appreciate a plain old ordinary kind of day....a day that many people would call boring. A day with no sickness, no seizures, no drama, no unexpected stressors. A day of getting Emily and Gabe up and off to school, taking Sam to therapy and school, doing laundry, washing dishes, making dinner, playing chauffeur, helping with homework, spending a little too much time on the internet, and maybe finding a few minutes to work on some dolls. I LOVE this kind of day!

"Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are.

Let me learn from you, love you, bless you before you depart.

Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow.

Let me hold you while I may, for it may not always be so."

Mary Jean Iron

Silent Sunday....one picture, no words

2011-10-02T09:49:00.000-05:00

When Sam Laughs

2011-09-21T08:52:00.001-05:00

Sam might not laugh and smile as much as other kids do.

She might not laugh and smile when it's socially appropriate.

Sometimes her smiles and giggles come out of nowhere. I'm sure sometimes her giggles are stims.

But when she does it's the best.

Her laugh is pure and unadulterated.

It is joy in it's purest form.

It is infectious and it fills the room.

It's impossible to not join in when Sam starts to giggle. :)

I'm published!

2011-09-20T06:47:00.001-05:00

I'm so excited! I'm happy to announce that the book Wit and Wisdom from the Parents of Special Needs Kids: Mostly True Stories of Life on the Spectrum has been published and is now available on Amazon ...and I'm in it! Yes, it's true...I have an essay in the book! It's a collection of over 40 essays from parent bloggers of special needs children. I'm sure it's headed for the New York Times bestseller list! :)

Here's the book description from Amazon: "Wit and Wisdom From The Parents of Special Needs Kids brings together dozens of the best writers in the blogosphere, sharing their stories of both the challenges and rewards of raising children with autism and other cognitive disabilities. More than forty essays are included in this unique compilation,covering topics such as sensory issues, the difficulties of social interaction, the impact on marriage and typical siblings, and the world of special education and therapies. These parents cover the gamut of experiences -- from initially receiving the diagnosis for their child and reconsidering their expectations for the future to learning how to let go of children as young adults – as well as an emotional spectrum from sadness and loss, to the frustrations of assimilating not-so-typical children into the typical world, to the joy of living amongst their often hilarious quirks and obsessions. Wit and Wisdom From The Parents of Special Needs Kids is a must read for anyone whose life has been affected by intellectual disabilities. Every parent of a special needs child will identify with the life experiences included in this book -- they are as varied, unique, and inspiring as the children themselves"

Pick up your copy today! :)

Man's best friend?

2011-09-15T17:24:00.001-05:00

We're hearing more and more these days about service dogs being used for kids with autism. I grew up with dogs...I come from a dog loving family. I think it would be so cool for Sam to have a service dog some day...one that could detect seizures, too......

....oh wait....Sam doesn't like dogs. Well, mostly she doesn't acknowledge them, but sometimes she gets downright mad at them. I've read about many kids with autism who love animals and relate really well to them. Sam isn't one of them. To be totally honest, our two dogs, Ella and Gracie are kind of obnoxious and wild. I think Sam sees them mainly as food thieves and furry little beasts with sharp toenails that treat her like a speed bump if she's between them and an open door. My sister's dog, Lucy, likes to lick Sam up one side and down the other....for some reason she finds that irritating. They're very good dogs in that they would never hurt her and they're very patient with her. She isn't interested in other animals, either. We actually found out that she's quite allergic to cats several months (and an ER visit) ago. And when we go outside she seems to have no interest in the animals out there....the squirrels, birds and rabbits. On the other hand, the leaves, tree bark and rocks are fascinating!

Catching some rays

Maybe one day she'll start to appreciate animals more....who knows. In the meantime I guess she'll just have to tolerate Ella and Gracie. A few weeks ago I was able to snap this picture that makes them look like best of friends....don't believe everything you see, right? :)

It hurts to remember...

2011-09-13T19:58:00.000-05:00

....but it also hurts to forget.

Sam is who she is now, and I couldn't love her more. But sometimes my mind drifts back to the things she used to do....the things she doesn't do anymore. I'm conflicted. Should I remember or should I forget? I want to do both and I want to do neither.

It hurts so much to remember the way she used to be, before her regression. She was always behind, but she was making progress. Looking back, she always had some things about her that now make me think "autism". Like twisting her hands and feet, and clapping her feet together. We thought they were quirky traits. She also didn't get into things like most babies do. She never emptied out her toy box. She didn't get mad when someone took something away from her.

She had some words. She could say mama and Emily (emma) and Sam (am). She said apple one time in the grocery store. She had some signs...."ball" and "baby" and "more". She knew some of her body parts and would touch them when asked. She took a long time to learn to wave, but she did. She wanted to be read to. She would anticipate parts of books. She would snort like the rhinocerous. She would do "so big". She could clap. If we clapped after she did something she would do it again and wait for us to clap again. She was starting to do some pretend play, like talking on a phone. She would imitate some facial expressions. She would smile for the camera.

Then she hit 22 months...she quit doing all of those things. It happened pretty abruptly. I don't know what the last word was that she spoke. I wish I knew. I know the last sign she used was "more" but I can't tell you when it was.

What happened?

It hurts to remember.
It hurts to forget.

It just hurts.

this year.....

2011-08-31T09:25:00.000-05:00

School is starting again. Gabe started this week, and Emily and Sam go back next week. I'm vowing that this year will be different from last year. I want to be a better mom to all 3 of my kids.

One thing that will help...I'm starting from a different place. This year isn't starting like last year.....scared about Sam, waiting for an autism diagnosis, living in a failing marriage (that's done now). A lot of the stress and emotional crap I was going through is gone. Not that I don't still have an abundance of stress and emotional crap....but it's more manageable now.

So this year my goals for the school year are:
   *to stay on top of Gabe's homework
   *to actually cook for my kids and not have feeding them be an afterthought
     *to let my business take a back seat (as much as it hurts, it has to be last on my list of priorities right now)
     *to not have any hospitalizations for Sam that will take me away from Emily and Gabe (yeah, like I can control that!)

You'll notice making bento box lunches is NOT on the list. :) Do you think I can do it?

Trading places

2011-08-29T07:07:00.000-05:00

If you could trade places with anyone, living or dead, for one day...who would it be? Most of us have probably heard that question at one time and have given it some thought. I never knew how to answer it until I had Sam. Now there's no doubt in my mind that it would be my little 3 year old daughter that I would trade places with. I know her better than anyone else does, but in many ways she's a mystery to me. I would love to see how things work in her brain....what she thinks, what she understands, what the world looks like through her eyes. I know that you never know exactly what the experience of another human being is, but with my older 2 kids I feel like I have more to go on...they react to the world similar to the way that I do, and they can tell me about their feelings and experiences. I feel that if I understood more about the ways in which Sam's brain works that I could be a much better parent to her....I could understand more about what she needs and what would help her to learn.

I would love to know what's going on in her pretty little head......

Sam's Sensory World

2011-08-28T10:17:00.000-05:00

Today I thought I'd write a little about who Sam is as a person....some of the things she likes and the things that she does. A lot of her likes and behaviors are related to her sensory needs. Many people with autism have trouble processing and managing sensory input. They can be over (hyper) or under (hypo) sensitive, or a combination of the two. Sam definitely falls in to the hyposensitive category (so far). She seeks out certain kinds of sensory input. For example:

What kid doesn't want a bucket of rocks???

She loves textures. She loves to feel tree bark, ropes, pockmarked concrete, and rocks. If you use rocks as landscaping in your yard she would love to visit! She loves textured wallpaper, too. She'll walk up and down our hallway feeling the wallpaper (and in doing so she's getting physical therapy without even knowing it!). She loves to dig in things like sand, dry rice and beans...sometimes too much and she gets a little too excited. Yesterday she got a new sand table and really wanted to crawl into the sand. She ended up covered in sand from head to toe. : /

Digging in!

She loves to swing, to be bounced on the trampoline (really high!) and to spin. She also likes to spin things....toilet paper is great for that! It's not uncommon to find the toilet paper in a pile on the bathroom floor. She also has a favorite spinny musical toy that is a favorite right now...we hear it over and over!

She also likes pressure and squeezing. Having her hands, feet and arms squeezed calms her. She loves to be squished between pillows, too. She likes to be touched, and always sleeps close to me. :)

The joy of tree bark

Sand

She likes to stim with her hands...this seems to be a visual thing for her because she watches them. She does this thing that looks like her hands are having a conversation with each other. She'll also do a flappy kind of thing that sometimes looks like waving...people in stores sometimes think she's waving at them....ha! little do they know how silly they look when they wave back! ;^)

A lot of kids with autism have trouble with sounds.....hence the fingers in the ears. Sam is the opposite. Sounds don't really bother her....instead people might think she's deaf because she pays no attention. She has had her hearing checked and she pays attention when she wants to hear something. If I say "Sam, do you want to eat?" or if she hears the back door open that head whips right around!

These are some of the things that give Sam her "Samness". :)

A refresher course on perspective

2011-08-25T20:56:00.000-05:00

I've found myself to be kind of down over the past couple of weeks....worried about Sam's future, stressed out and spread too thin....I've shed some tears. But then this past week we had medical situation that turned out to not be as bad as I feared it might which has given me a refresher course on perspective.

Long story short: Sam didn't have the best days in therapy and school on Monday and Tuesday, but other that that she was ok if I remember correctly. Tuesday night she fell off the back steps and landed hard on her forehead. I watched her really closely until bed time, and she seemed fine. Wednesday was kind of iffy. By Thursday morning I knew things weren't right. She was not herself, and was pretty unhappy. I took her to her pediatrician that morning and he checked her out and ran some blood tests. The rest of that day was not good. She was completely unhappy and didn't know what to do with herself. Sleep on Thursday night was horrible. She wanted to sleep but couldn't sleep well. I didn't *think* she was in pain. Friday morning we went to the doctor again...more tests. Everything was coming back normal, including her Keppra level. By this point I was really scared....I was having flashbacks to her regression at 22 months old. The doctor gave her some ativan to try to take the edge off, thinking this was some kind of emotional issue. She threw up about 3 hours after taking that. At that point I talked to a friend and what she said got me thinking over the past several days more carefully (I started thinking that the issues we had early in the week seemed different than what happened after her fall, and started questioning whether or not she might be having pain)....and I googled "concussion". I had no idea that concussion symptoms could show up 24-72 hours after the injury. Her symptoms totally fit with concussions in children, too. She threw up again that evening and we ended up at the ER (for 7 hours, most of it waiting). She had a CT scan which didn't show any swelling or bleeding (phew!) and the ER doctor did think it sounded like a concussion. On Saturday I pumped her full of Tylenol and we did see some improvement that day. On Sunday morning she woke up and she was totally Sam again, and she has been since. What a huge relief! It's SO hard when your child doesn't speak and can't tell you what's going on inside.

Anyway, I guess I didn't keep it that short, did I? The whole experience has definitely given me a refresher course on perspective. I was so afraid that we were losing her. I was reminded of how lucky we are that she's a happy girl and that she's healthy. I'm just so grateful for what we have. To see her laugh and smile after a few days of not doing so....it's just the best feeling in the world. :)

Sam studying the grass (picture by Emily)

a Block Party.....and we're doing ok :)

2011-08-01T06:58:00.001-05:00

Yeah, I know I haven't written much lately. It's a combination of having a lot going on (my divorce is final now and I'm pretty much a single parent all the time) and struggling with what to share.

I realized the other day (even though the summer is getting long and I have no time to myself) that we're really doing ok. It struck me when we got our invitation to our neighborhood's annual block party. The last couple of years I've dreaded that block party. I had legitimate reasons. The main one being that it can be really hard for me to be around a bunch of "normie" little kids when my child has so much trouble with the basics. It was also hard for me to know people were looking and wondering "what's up with Sam?". Last year when the block party came around we didn't even have an autism diagnosis yet (although I knew). Things were still so hard. Now we've settled in and adapted to some extent (I'm not saying things can't still be really hard sometimes). Also, now most of the neighbors know about Sam's diagnosis (we're very open) and that makes things easier for me. So, anyway.....this year I'm actually looking forward to the block party. I know the kids (including Sam) will have fun. :)

And....I have to share Sam's progress with you! She's really been making some gains lately. No speech or signs yet, but she's been doing better in both speech and OT. She's getting better at tasks and she's much more engaged than she used to be. And in terms of PT....she's really been enjoying that lately! Back in May I shared a video of Sam taking a couple of steps from the sofa to me...I was so happy! Well, you have to check her out now....she's been practicing walking a lot over the past two months. A few days ago she even took off walking down the block and walked ALL the way all by herself. She fell a few times but got back up with no help and kept going. I (thought) I recorded it on my iPod, but I did something wrong and didn't get it...doh! So I took this clip last night......

Detroit Lakes, MN Walk Now for Autism Speaks

2011-06-26T10:31:00.000-05:00

Sara, Sarah, Emily and Gabe (the 2 on the right are mine)

Yesterday was our first ever autism walk. We had a great time! It was the first walk in Detroit Lakes, and it was a success! It was a beautiful day, and it was great to be among people united for a wonderful cause. There's something very cool about being in a large group of people who don't bat and eye at your child who is stimming or feeling up a tree. We're already looking forward to next year!

The dogs wore bandanas :)

Sam loves her sign

Sam is really into textures lately....she was loving the trees

another tree :)

"whatever"

Team Sam!

2011-06-19T12:27:00.001-05:00

I'm so excited! This coming Saturday, June 25th, we will be participating in the 1st Annual Detroit Lakes Walk Now for Autism in Detroit Lakes, MN. There's a great article about the walk in today's Detroit Lakes paper...you can read it here. The money raised goes to Autism Speaks. They are dedicated to increasing awareness, research, advocacy, and family services for those living with autism spectrum disorders.

We're walking for Sam!

Our family will be walking and raising money in honor of my daughter, Samantha. If you would care to donate you can find our donation page here ....it's easy to make an online donation, and we appreciate it SO much!

Let's hope for a nice day....I'm sure it will be fun even if we have rain! I'll post pictures next week!

sometimes the universe throws you a bone

2011-06-13T11:13:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the lack of posts lately. I'll admit, I've been struggling. I think it comes from feeling that my life is very much out of my hands, and from feeling alone.

This morning I started thinking...yes, there are certain major things in my life that I cannot control or "fix". But there are other things that are in my power to change or influence. So why should I let my worries and fears and sadness over the things I can't control keep me from doing things that I can control? Time for another attitude and perspective adjustment, right?

Sam loves to swing!

So I was going about my morning with my new attitude, when the universe threw me a bone. Sam saw me let the dog outside. Sam loves to go outside....her favorite thing to do in the backyard is swing. I swear she'd swing all day if I let her! So when the dog went out she wanted to go out, too. I wasn't quite ready, though, so I closed the door. She took my hand and we started walking. She led me around the kitchen and ended up at the back door again. She took my hand and put it on the doorknob, wanting me to open it! This is the first time she has guided my hand like this to show me that she wanted something. I was stunned. Of course I had to take her outside to swing! She asked for it, so she got it!

So if you were driving around this morning and saw a woman bawling while she pushed her adorable little girl in a swing...yeah, that was me. :)

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.

How?

2011-05-30T07:30:00.002-05:00

I need advice for those of you who have been at this longer.

How am I going to do this for the rest of my life?

How do I find peace? I feel like I've come a long way in accepting the way things are with Sam, but it's still so hard...I still have so much sadness, so much fear, so much pain, so much heartache.....how am I going to keep doing this? I want to feel like this isn't a big deal, it's just life...but it is kind of a big deal. And I live it 24/7, and it's for the rest of my life. I wish I could get to a place where I no longer feel these things, but that's probably wishful thinking.

Please tell me how.

Rationalizing autism

2011-05-10T19:01:00.000-05:00

For the most part I've gotten past asking "why?". Sometimes things just happen and there is no reason that we can see. It doesn't do me much good to ask. But the other night I found myself asking "why?" again.

Why Sam?

I heard about a friend who's child is so smart and doing so well and I thought "why didn't Sam deserve that?"

Why?

She's so sweet. I can tell that she's smart. Why didn't she deserve an easier path? It hurts my heart to think about it. So I try not to. I figure this is just the luck of the draw. And I have a way of rationalizing what has happened to make myself feel better. I tell myself that there are no guarantees...you never know what will happen in a person's life. What if Sam had been born neurotypical? Maybe that Sam would have walked out into the street and gotten hit by a car on her second birthday. Maybe that Sam would have become a chronic alcoholic and led a very unhappy life. Maybe this way Sam will have a happier, if not typical life. Maybe this is just the way that things were meant to be, and maybe things turn out better this way in the end....maybe this is the easier path for her. You just never know. It might be weird for me to think about this, but it helps me feel better. Whatever works, right?

just what I needed today....

2011-05-07T13:44:00.001-05:00

April's necklaces

It's funny how things work sometimes. I'll admit to being in a funk for the past couple of days. This happens from time to time. I get to feeling overwhelmed by parenting on my own and trying to run my business, and/or I get to feeling down about Sam. As much as I try to stay positive, this happens from time to time. I've found that it's best to let myself have these feelings for a short time...if I don't allow myself to experience them they'll eat me up from the inside. Anyway, I've been feeling that way for a couple of days and was really getting tired of it by this morning, but I was having a hard time picking myself up. Right after lunch I went to lay down with Sam. We both fell asleep, and as frequently happens the doorbell rang about 10 minutes after I fell asleep....then there's no way I'm getting back to sleep. This time it was the mailman with packages. One of them was some of my dolls that I had sent to an online/bloggy/autism mom friend to sell at a show she did last month. Her name is April and she has a great etsy shop with autism awareness jewelry. I opened the box and unpacked the dolls that hadn't sold, and then I opened the envelope that was inside. She had put a little gift in there for me, and when I saw it I started laughing and crying at the same time! It was a "she's sugar and spice and everything kickass" magnet by Allison Strine....an etsy seller who has been one of my favorites since way back when I first found out about etsy (she also has some great autism items!). I had seen this magnet before and I loved it, and now I had it in my hands....and it was just what I needed today. I thought "I AM kickass!....and I'm going to pick myself up and get on with things!". And I feel soooo much better now. April, you just don't know how much I needed this today...thank you! Seriously, sometimes I don't know what I'd do with all of the people I have met on the interwebs....people who I may never meet in real life, but who get what I'm going through, and who have gotten me through some of the toughest times (often without even knowing it).

magnet by Allison Strine

little did I know......

2011-05-04T20:17:00.000-05:00

I remember several years ago, probably a couple years before Sam was born.... when I used to sell patterns for my dolls I exchanged several emails back and forth with a woman who was making some for her twin toddlers. Her twins both had autism. At the time I'm sure I felt sorry for her, and I couldn't imagine how anyone could handle that. I remember after she made the dolls...she contacted me and was so excited, because one of her kids had kissed the doll that she had made for him. This was huge for him, and she was on cloud nine. At the time this was a really heart warming story to me, and I have always remembered it. But of course I couldn't grasp the scope of it until autism entered my life. And now I see....she had to have cried tears of joy over that kiss. Sam couldn't give a rat's you know what about the dolls that I make, or any doll for that matter....(but she has taken an interest lately in Nature Valley Granola Bar boxes...did you know they're good for stimming?) :) If she kissed anything or anyone I'd be dancing in the street! Now I realize that that lady didn't want or need for me to feel bad for her....I see now that along with the hardships come more blessings than I ever could have imagined. I wish I could remember who she was. I'd love to talk with her again. :)

not a toy

toy

how far we've come....

2011-05-02T07:07:00.001-05:00

Yesterday afternoon was a bad one for me emotionally. I won't go into the details, because they don't matter. I did get kind of mad at myself for being "weak", but I also realized that once in awhile I need those days. Sometimes I need to experience my pain. Because even if it's not festering and raw and right on the surface, it's still there to a lesser degree.

This morning I'm feeling better, and I'm realizing how far we've come....both Sam and I. I'm thinking back to a year ago. This has been one long, life-transforming year. A year ago Sam was not doing well at all. Her regression happened in February, and for several months things did not look good. She was very withdrawn, wouldn't make eye contact, had a very flat affect, would sit and study single puzzle pieces, and wouldn't venture out of the living room. When I talked to her neurologist in February last year she had suggested autism. At the time I thought she was absolutely full of it. It turns out that I thought I knew about autism, but in reality I didn't know jack. Over the next few months I read and I researched and at some point I realized it was true....that Sam must have autism. I don't remember exactly when or how that happened. But I suppose around this time last year it was dawning on me and I was starting to accept it. A year ago I was in a horrible place emotionally. I was in a deep hole of depression, and if I remember correctly I was barely functional. At some point I decided that was not the way I wanted to live, and that my kids deserved better.....but I think I needed that time to grieve. Today I'm at the point where even though I do have days like the one I had yesterday, most of my days are pretty good.....I've come a long way in a year.

Sam has come a long way, too. She's not the same as she was before her regression....I don't think she'll ever be. She's taking a different path than the one I thought she would take. But she's making progress...especially in the last month. And that fills my heart with so much happiness. She's meeting more "pebblestones".....her latest one is "throwing" a ball! I wish I had a good video of that but I don't (well I do, but it was taken at school, and the school has a policy about not putting that online....don't they know I have a blog to write??????). But basically, when she gets the ball, first she stims on it for about 30 seconds, turning it back and forth, and then she kind of tosses it back to the person she's with. She has to work on her technique, but she's getting it!!! She's also working on her steps.... I do have a clip of that we took last night. And I think the best part is that she seems to be proud of herself for doing these things...she smiles when we cheer for her!

So while the bad days will pop up every now and then, we have so much to celebrate. It's been a long, eventful year, and we've come such a long way.

Update: After I posted this we went to physical therapy and she took 15 steps...yes, that's all in a row!!!! She's so awesome! :)

hey...I'm not as much of a basket case as I used to be!

2011-04-13T07:28:00.000-05:00

I had an appointment yesterday afternoon (just routine stuff). My mom stayed with Sam. As I was driving to my appointment (which was a good 20 minutes away from home) it dawned on me...."hey, I'm not nearly as much of a basket case as I used to be!". When Sam first started having seizures I could not be away from her. That was WAY outside of my comfort zone. If I had to be away from her my anxiety level would be through the roof, and I was a mess until I got back to her. There were a few times when my mom or my husband came along to an appointment of mine and stayed with Sam in the lobby, so she could be close to me. I know, that probably sounds really neurotic, but having a child with a seizure disorder was/is a scary thing. But yesterday as I was driving, I realized that I've come a long way. I still hate to be away from her, but it isn't as hard as it used to be. I'm not as much of a mess about it as I used to be. I can actually be fairly relaxed about it. There are only a few people I'm comfortable leaving her with, and I know that when she's with them she's in good hands. I'm always looking at Sam's progress, but it looks like I'm making progress, too. Yay for mommy progress! :)

Three "firsts"

2011-04-11T13:32:00.000-05:00

I have some "firsts" to tell you about today!

The first first..... Some of you may not know that Sam does not walk independently yet. She walks along things....walls, cupboards, etc., and she can walk holding hands. But for some reason (motor planning? fear? proprioceptive issues?) she can't/won't walk on her own. Yesterday she was in the kitchen and was standing holding on to a cabinet. She wanted to move a couple of feet over to the table, but she couldn't quite reach. She let go of the cabinet and still couldn't reach the table....so she very cautiously....TOOK A STEP to get to the table!!!! Just one little step, but still A STEP!!!! A milestone!....well, maybe it's more of a yardstone than a milestone....that seems to be the way Sam operates. But we'll take what we can get! :)

Preschool? You're kidding, right?

The second first...Sam's first day of preschool...she's there right now! I thought I would freak out about it all weekend, but I didn't at all. It's weird...different from when Emily and Gabe started preschool (but yes, I did cry after I left her there). I feel that this is very necessary for Sam...for her to grow and learn and make progress. I think that it's also not such a huge transition for me because she's been in therapy for so long now. I do have her seizures to worry about, though. That's the thing that stresses me out the most about her being away from me at school. It's always hard for me to be away from her....I have a lot of anxiety about that. So we're not apart very often. I also worry that she'll hate it. But I guess that's something that has to be worked through. When I dropped her off today she was happy (apparently oblivious about what was about to occur!). ;^)

The third first....Sam going to school = the first time I have been home alone since her birth. Seriously. (the kids being out in the yard doesn't count). What will I do with myself for 2 hours a day, 4 days a week? Take a nap? Get some work done? Sit and watch TV with nobody changing the channel? Today, my first day, I'm wandering around a bit disoriented. Having no other humans in the house feels strange. So far I've cried a little, I did a little sewing, I'm obviously currently blogging, and I'm trying to avoid eating everything in the house. But, I'm sure I'll get used to it, and I'll enjoy it.....I could really use a little time for myself. This will be good for me, too. :)

on being a productive member of society

2011-04-10T07:37:00.003-05:00

I don't know why I sometimes read the comments following articles about autism. I really shouldn't do it, ever. I usually end up in tears over the negative, heartless comments that some people feel the need to leave. This morning I saw this one:

"Sorry parents...if your kid is autistic, no treatment, no matter how expensive, is going to make them "better." That money could be spent on children who actually have a potentially useful future."

It was referring to ABA therapy. Now, no matter what your thoughts are on ABA, why would you say that?

When you think about it, what makes a person "useful" or a "productive member of society"? Does NOT having a disability automatically mean that a person is "useful"? I think we would all agree that that isn't the case. (I'm sure you can come up with a long list of examples without my help).

So what DOES make a person "useful" or "productive"? Does it depend on how much money a person makes? There are a lot of people who make a lot of money who aren't very beneficial to society. And if we base it on that, well then I'm certainly not very useful myself.

I look at Sam...

I teach

She might never be very "useful" in the opinion of people like the one quoted above. (and now the tears start again) But when I look at her I see her as a teacher. In the 3 short years she has been here on this earth she has taught a lot of people a lot of things. I see the influence she's had on me, my parents, my other kids, their friends, etc.... Speaking for myself, she has taught me to be more compassionate, more empathetic, more patient, more willing to help others, and more likely to stand up for what is right and to stand up against what is wrong. I see her teaching Emily and Gabe these things, too....and I even see it extending to their friends. Sam may or may not be able to do things that some other people see as "useful", but she is teaching....and influencing those of us who love her to be more "useful" and "productive" just by being her sweet little self. I truly believe that those of us who know and love Sam will do our part to make our corner of the world a better place, because she is in our lives, teaching us....and hopefully that will extend out to others. In my opinion, that seems pretty useful. A ripple in a pond.......

the apple of my eye....

2011-04-08T06:37:00.000-05:00

I've mentioned before, that with Sam sometimes the seemingly small things are really big things. And sometimes she surprises me. Last weekend I was trying to get ready for her birthday party. She was trying to get into the refrigerator when I had the door open, so I handed her an apple....thinking she'd stay busy for a few minutes studying it. Instead, she started taking bites. The first couple of bites she took out of her mouth and threw on the ground (that's ok....our dog Gracie loves apples). Then she started eating them. Now this is a girl who just wasn't getting the concept of biting off pieces of food just about a month ago. When I gave her something bigger than bite sized she would try to cram the whole thing in her mouth. We had even started working on biting in OT. So when she started taking bites out of this apple, and eventually ate the whole thing....I was a little surprised to say the least. You just never know with Sam. :)

School Daze

2011-04-06T10:20:00.001-05:00

So, yeah, I've been neglecting my blog. I have my ~~reasons~~ excuses. Everyone in my house has been sick, and I've been going through some major personal transitions (D-I-V-O-R-C-E). But I'm good, really. Sam's 3rd birthday was yesterday. It was kind of a hard day for me. I'm sure everyone with a special needs child understands about birthdays. Birthdays are a bittersweet time. A birthday is an in your face reminder of everything your child is not doing that other children her age are. I have a very clear memory of Emily's third birthday....it was so different from Sam's. But Sam is her own person, and I try not to make those comparisons. The sweet part of the bittersweet is that I have her, and that she's happy and healthy. She is a sweet little soul who brightens my life. :)


Once Sam got her hands on her new Bear in the Big Blue House book she had no interest in cake!

And that brings us to SCHOOL. We had an IEP last week, and I made the decision to start her in preschool now instead of waiting until fall (it will just be 2 hours a day, 4 days a week). This is hard for me. It's because of the seizures. I'm afraid that she'll start to have a seizure and it won't be noticed right away (sometimes it's hard even for me to know if she's having a seizure when it first starts). But I have confidence in her teacher....she's been doing our EI home visits for about a year and a half now. I know that she cares. I know that, as much as I'd like to, I can't keep Sam in a bubble. She deserves to have a chance to learn and grow, and I feel that other people are better qualified to help her with that than I am. So, I'm going to ignore my fears and she'll be going off to school on Monday afternoon....but she's NOT riding the bus....I'm not there yet! :)

fate

2011-02-20T06:27:00.000-06:00

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

-Green Day

This was not the life I had planned, but I think it's the life I was meant to have. When I think of the circumstances that brought Sam into my life, I come to the conclusion that she was meant to be with me. She has changed the path of my life. In a lot of ways my life has become harder, but in so many ways it has become better. Sam has changed my priorities, my beliefs, my needs and my wants. She has enriched my life and has made me a better person. Was she sent here to save me? I don't know what the future holds....none of us do. But I'm pretty sure Sam and I have some important stuff in store for us.....we will make the best of this. :)

I'm angry

2011-02-17T06:27:00.000-06:00

I've had some time to process the events of this past week, and I'm angry. I'm angry that until now, Sam's seizures have been dismissed by "experts" as some other unnamed episode. But I realize people can make mistakes, and that seizures can be difficult to diagnose. The thing I'm most angry about is that I've been told, by more than one doctor, that these episodes would not hurt Sam (even though they couldn't tell me what the episodes were). I was made to feel like an overprotective, nervous mother. I never did buy that for one second. When a child gets to the ER with low blood oxygen that statement just can't be true. And now we see that that statement was completely false. So I think for doctors to tell me that was inexcusable.

It's not an overwhelming, all-encompassing anger, but it's there under the surface. It's not an anger that's making me bitter and resentful. It's an anger that I'm going to harness and use in a positive way. It's making me even more determined and motivated to fight for what I know is right for Sam. It has shown me that my instincts (combined with all the reading and research I've done) are worth something.....doctors don't always know best. Sometimes mothers do.

Since I left you with a sad picture of Sam in my last post, this time I'm going to leave you with a happy video of Sam having fun with Nate at TNT a few weeks ago. THIS is my Sam........ :)

Sam's bad day

2011-02-10T14:34:00.001-06:00

Home is the best place to be.

Sam and I are finally back home today. We've been away since Monday. On Monday afternoon Sam had a seizure. I gave her diastat as I usually do, but this time it didn't work. Long story short....911...ER....status epilepticus...PICU....a long few days. In the hospital she started running a low grade temperature and eventually threw up 4 times, so I think she was coming down with something that lowered her seizure threshold. The good news....we finally have proof that these are seizures on an eeg. After being told by "experts" that they probably weren't, we finally know for sure that they are....something I've felt all along. She's finally eating a bit today, but she's still feeling pretty cruddy. My sweet little girl doesn't deserve this. Nobody does.

Thank you to everyone who said prayers and sent good vibes. Please keep them coming. We really appreciate them. :)

They're looking at me....

2011-02-01T07:06:00.000-06:00

I really don't like to be the center of attention. I tend to think that if strangers are looking at me out in public they aren't thinking good things (I know...way to have self esteem!). So when we're out at a store or someplace and Sam is stimming, just doing her own happy little thing, I've tended to get a little paranoid about people looking (although I've been getting better about not giving a crap). I think a lot of us with special needs kids tend to think this way....we think that if people are looking it isn't in a good way. But there's another reason that people look, too. Since I had Sam I've been looking at people with special needs kids in a different way. When I see a mom with a child I suspect might have autism, or a child with Down's Syndrome, etc....I feel an immediate connection. And when I look at her and her child (I'm not talking about staring here!) I feel compassion and kinship. I know that we are alike in so many ways.....I know what many of her struggles and fears are, and she knows mine. And I might be seeing that her child reminds me of Sam, and that makes me smile.

Several months ago I was in Target fairly early in the morning (wasting time between dropping Gabe off at school and taking Sam to therapy). When I passed one of the makeup aisles there was a mom with a little girl in a cart and the little girl was puking...right there in Target. Our eyes met as I passed by. As I rounded the corner I thought "I wonder if she thinks I'm judging....saying why would you bring a puking kid to Target?". But that's not what I was thinking at all. As a mom, I could totally relate and I was feeling empathy for her. I've had enough experience with puking kids for a lifetime. See, when he was little Gabe was a big puker. Anytime something grossed him out in the slightest he'd puke. We couldn't even let him see us eating a mushrooms or eggs.....he'd be tossing his cookies. He did this in public more than once....in Burger King, in Applebee's on my birthday....it was a frequent occurrence. So, yeah....I definitely had empathy for this mom in Target. I rounded the corner and asked if she needed help. She said no, she had just come for some Pedialyte, and we joked for a minute. I went on my way.

Sam and her hair

My point....it's easy to think that people are thinking negative things if they're looking. But they might be thinking "I can SO relate" or "that little girl reminds me of my sweet little niece/grandson/neighbor/daughter" or "she's so cute and she has awesome hair!" (because Sam is really cute and she does have fabulous hair) or "I wonder if that little girl has autism, because my child was just diagnosed and I'm feeling so upset and scared right now". Looking isn't always a bad thing.

Living in the moment

2011-01-21T06:43:00.000-06:00

Once in awhile I need to live only in the moment I'm in.

Sam had another seizure yesterday morning (way to get out of OT and speech Sam!). It was #20 since she was 6 months old. I'm getting more used to them, and they don't completely throw me for a loop like they used to, but I still feel worn out afterwards. And Sam is understandably always tired and kind of cranky for a few hours. So after spending some time at the clinic (her doctor wanted to get some blood this time) we came home to rest. Sam was lying on the living room floor, watching her beloved Bear in the Big Blue House, so I decided to grab my pillow and my favorite blanket and lie down next to her. She cuddled up next to me and everything was ok. In that moment we just *were*....nothing was wrong, there was no stress, there were no problems...right in that moment. Her sweet little face next to me, her soft little hands around my arm.... I need to live in the moment more often. It's nice. :)

Toddlers & Tiaras....and why I'm lucky :)

2011-01-15T11:36:00.000-06:00

I watched the first 10 or 15 minutes of Toddlers & Tiaras a few nights ago. I've seen it before, but I don't watch it on a regular basis. I've never been a fan of pageants of any kind, especially involving kids....but these moms are really over the top. I thought the episode the other night was especially bad. I ended up getting so disgusted that I had to leave the room. Lets just say I didn't know shallow could run so deep. For a parent to put so much importance on a child's physical appearance really makes me sick. I try not to judge other people's parenting styles, but some things are just wrong. You shouldn't spray tan a 15 month old and put makeup on her so she can be judged. You shouldn't force a 5 year old to get her eyebrows waxed, especially when she's terrified because she's been burned and had her skin ripped off in the past. You shouldn't place so many expectations on a child and then be upset when they don't live up to your standard of perfection. It disgusts me to put so much worth on the physical appearance of a child. It made me really sad to think that these moms weren't appreciating their daughters for what they are...they are so lucky to have healthy children! It made me wonder...how would they feel if they were to have a disabled child? What if Sam had been born to one of them? Would they be disappointed in her? Would they resent her? Would they be sorry they had her? Or would she change their perspectives on what's really important in life?

It got me thinking....I'm so glad Sam was born to me. Even though autism doesn't make things easy, I'm glad that she was entrusted to me. She deserves to be loved and cherished for who she is. As imperfect as I am....as much as I doubt myself as a parent....I have no doubt that I will love her and take care of her and be thankful for her (just the way she is) as long as there is breath left in my body. This little girl is teaching me what's important. She's helping me to be a better mom and a more compassionate person. She is a blessing, and I feel so lucky. :)

coming up for air...and my new obsession :)

2011-01-09T09:47:00.000-06:00

inhale....and exhale....

I feel like I'm getting to the point where I can come up for air.....I'm coming out of survival mode, and it feels good. I'm not just looking at what's right in front of me...I can start once again look around at the world around me a bit. Once upon a time my life was about raising my kids and being creative. Then it started being all about epilepsy and autism. Everyone needs balance. Lately I've been settling into my new "normal" and I've started looking at all the pretty colors again...the things that inspire me. I used to equate creating to breathing...so I guess I've been suffocating for awhile. (take deep breaths) I can feel the air in my lungs again.

My new obsession? I'm glad you asked. I've always been a very visual person. I love colors and pattens and shiny things. Recently my dear friend Roseann of Rosebud's Cottage introduced me to pinterest.com, a place to "catalog the things you love"....it's sort of a social bulletin board. This site has sucked me in and I love it! It's packed full of all kinds of beautiful images of people, fashion, food, decor, art, you name it...and lots of cool DIY ideas, too.... I could get lost in the site for hours. I suppose I could view it as a time sucker, but it's really inspiring me...getting me passionate about creating again. So thanks, Roseann! Oh, by the way, here are my boards ...I hope you like them!

Like I said, I love colors and patterns. Here are a few pictures of two quilts and a banner I made this week. I swear, I could make stuff all day long every day!

round robin quilt

strawberry fields quilt

scrappy banner

2010....a look back

2010-12-30T17:43:00.000-06:00

When 2010 began I was hoping for an improvement over 2009. 2009 had been the most craptastic year of my life to date....filled with way too many ongoing personal problems (which have not been addressed on this blog), hospital stays for Sam, and an epilepsy diagnosis....it was a very bad year. So when 2010 began I was just hoping "please, let it be better!". Well, the first half of 2010 turned out to be at least as horrible, maybe even moreso, than 2009. It was filled with a continuation of the personal stuff, some health issues with one of my older kids (which have since been resolved), Sam's regression starting in February, and the fear, confusion, turmoil and depression on my part that went along with that. But, thankfully, during the summer things started to turn around. Not that I'd say 2010 has been a great year....it was way too hard to ever say that....but it's ending on a much better note than it began. Sam is not the same as she was a year ago, but she's improved a lot since she was at her worst in April/May, when things were looking really bad. I have hope now that I didn't have then. Yes, her progress is slow, but it's progress nonetheless. I've come to terms in many ways with the way things are and the way things will be...not that I don't have ups and downs, but the downs aren't as bad as they were at first. I've grown as a person and as a parent this year. I have a perspective that I never did before. I see things through different eyes and I have different (and I think better) priorities. I have more compassion for others and I'm stronger than I ever was before. I think that's a good thing. I think in the second half of 2010 I've come a long way in adjusting to the new "normal"....what my family's life is now. I'm trying to live more in the present and enjoy what we have now, and worry less about the future.

Happy New Year! (picture taken by Emily)

I have met some wonderful people in 2010....both online and in real life. People who understand how I feel and what I'm going through....people who amaze and inspire me every single day. I'm so thankful for that. I definitely don't feel alone on this journey anymore.

I also feel better physically now than I have in a long time. In July I decided Sam and I would try a gluten free diet, and after years of stomach problems I went from feeling sick several days a week to feeling sick only once in the last 6 months. I love feeling good!

So, yeah...2010 didn't beat me...it started off by totally kicking my butt....kicking me down again and again when I tried to get up. But eventually I did get up...I picked myself up and brushed myself off and I'm moving on. It hasn't been such a bad year after all. :) Now on to 2011......

Merry Christmas :)

2010-12-24T11:49:00.000-06:00

Merry Christmas to everyone! I hope this holiday season finds you at peace in your mind and in your heart, and I hope that you are exactly where you want to be in every possible way.

..... and I hope your Christmas rocks!

Thanks, Mom!

2010-12-23T19:49:00.000-06:00

I'm a slacker. I don't send out Christmas cards anymore, let alone write a Christmas letter. But my mom does....she's always on top of things more than I am, and she's better at keeping in touch with people. She doesn't know it (although she will when she reads this), but she gave me such a wonderful Christmas present tonight. I found out that she wrote about Sam's autism diagnosis in her letter this year. Some people might not understand why this means so much to me. It's like this: I'm so thankful to know that my family loves and accepts Sam for just who she is, and that they see her as a blessing. I'm very open about Sam's autism, because I feel that being open and honest and educating people will lead to a better life for Sam and everyone else with autism. My mom believes that too. And for her to put it in her Christmas letter for the whole world (at least everyone she knows) to see...that means so much to me. It's like proof in writing that Sam is so loved just as she is. I know not everyone with an autistic child has the support of their family, and I feel so lucky to have them 100% behind us, accompanying us on this journey.

My heart feels full tonight. :)

The end of the world?

2010-12-16T17:41:00.000-06:00

OK, so I really don't believe that the world is going to end in 2012....but I do find myself thinking about it now and then. Would that really be such a bad thing for me? I mean, a lot of the stress I have in my life is because of the future....especially about what the future will hold for Sam. If I didn't have to worry about that maybe I could chill a little bit. Just for the record, I'm being tongue in cheek here...I don't really want the world to end. But ....there could be some positives. I wouldn't have to worry about medical bills, about whether Sam is getting exactly the right type and amount of therapy, about whether the aspartame in the diet soda habit that I just can't kick is going to kill me.... to look on the bright side of the whole doomsday thing. Knowing there were only 2 years left might mean a huge weight would be lifted off my shoulders. I suppose then I'd be overcome with anxiety about actually dying, though...I just can't win! But anyway, I got to thinking....I should quit worrying about the future so much. I really can't control what's going to happen. I want to enjoy Sam as the sweet little girl she is right now, and when I worry it takes a lot of the joy out of my day to day life with her. I need to find a balance...to worry just enough to do what I need to do for Sam, but not so much that it wrecks my life. Does anyone know where I can find a happy medium?

Small Things Saturday....warm at home

2010-12-11T11:47:00.000-06:00

It's so cold outside today (the wind chill is waaay below zero). I ventured out to the store this morning, so the refrigerator is full....and now I'm warm at home with my kids for the rest of the day. Maybe we'll bake something with chocolate chips....and take a nap.

What more could I ask for? :)

Oh, and Gracie (our new dog) hasn't peed on the floor in over 2 days! (of course, I've probably just jinxed that!)

Looking out my front door

fake it til you make it

2010-12-10T12:34:00.000-06:00

I've been in a bit of a funk lately. I don't know if it's because of winter (I miss taking walks with Sam in the fresh air) or if it's because Christmas is coming, or just because it's part of the cycle of grief that will probably continue as long as I live. Maybe it's because I've been to a few kids' programs lately that seem to flaunt right in front of my face the things that Sam will probably never do (the dance performance with 3 year olds in tutus was especially excruciating...I hope nobody saw me cry) . Whatever the reason, I'm getting pretty tired of it. I don't want to be in this funk. It's no fun. I try to think positive thoughts, but that doesn't seem to be working as well as I want it to. So I decided I'm just going to fake it. The whole "act happy and you'll be happy" thing.

That's my plan anyway.

Gluten Free Bacon Dog Biscuits

2010-12-05T12:32:00.000-06:00

Gluten Free Bacon Dog Biscuits

Just in time for the holidays! Here's a dog biscuit recipe all of the dogs on your gift list will go crazy over! If you've never baked for your dogs before...do it...they'll LOVE you for it. Homemade dog treats smell so good...your dogs might get spoiled and not want to go back to the cardboard store variety biscuits.

I'll admit, I haven't make dog biscuits in a long, long time. But way back in the last century (1998) I started making biscuits for my dog Casey. That was back when I only had ONE kid. :) I turned it into my first little home based business. I had some regular local customers and sold my biscuits at a pet supply store here in town. It was fun! Then I had another baby (I have pictures of myself making dog biscuits while carrying my son in a Snugli) and I started making dolls. I tried doing both for awhile, but it got to be too much...so the biscuits had to go.

Gracie wants biscuits

Anyway....back to 2010.....I decided I'd make some biscuits for my dogs and my family's dogs for Christmas this year. Of course, my biscuit recipes used to call for wheat flour, but I no longer have any of that in the house since I went gluten free in July. Plus, I'm not that crazy about possibly making myself sick with wheat flour, so I figured I'd make these biscuits gluten free. (As an aside...I started feeding my dog Ella a limited ingredient dog food with no grain back in August because she seemed itchy a lot. I didn't realize until about 2 months after switching her food that she was no longer getting me up in the middle of the night once or twice a week to go outside to eat grass/puke).

My dogs, Ella and Gracie, have been helping me bake and they're CRAZY about these biscuits (Ella isn't too fond of store bought treats). You can cut these out with cookie cutters, but I cut most of mine into squares with a pizza cutter. It's a lot faster to do it that way, plus it makes nice little pieces for smaller dogs or to use as training bits. I ended up with over a pound and a half of treats with this recipe.

Training bits

Gluten Free Bacon Dog Biscuits
4 cups Bob's Red Mill Gluten Free All Purpose Baking Flour
1/3 cup ground flax
1/3 cup cornmeal
2 t. xanthan gum
3 oz. bacon bits
1/4 cup canola oil
2 eggs
1 cup water

I just throw all the ingredients into my mixer and mix until they come together into a workable dough. Add a little more water if the dough is too dry. Take about a quarter of the dough at a time and roll it out just like you would with cookies (to about 1/8" thick). You can roll it out between sheets of parchment or dust it with flour if sticking is a problem. Either cut the dough out with cookie cutters or cut it into squares with a pizza cutter. Bake on a parchment lined cookie sheet at 350F for 35 to 40 minutes. Store in an airtight container. They also store well in the freezer for several months.

I am thankful.

2010-11-25T07:41:00.001-06:00

Happy Thanksgiving!

I want to wish everyone in the US a Happy Thanksgiving! We're actually celebrating tomorrow. The weather isn't supposed to be that great today, and we want my grandma (who lives about an hour away) to be able to come. So today I'll be making the desserts for tomorrow, and I'll be trying a new gluten free pizza crust here at home. :)

I thought I should write a post about what I'm thankful for, and I'm having a tough time with it. Not because I can't think of anything I'm thankful for...it's more that this year I feel thankful for everything. But I'll mention a few things....

I am thankful....that Sam is here with us. I'm thankful that she's making progress (even if it's slow), because earlier this year things looked bleak. I feel lucky to be her mother. She is teaching me so much.

I am thankful...for Emily and Gabe, that they are happy and healthy....and they make me laugh every day.

I am thankful....that I have found support. All of the great moms in my support group, and all of the parents on twitter and facebook. Without it I don't know what I'd do.

I am thankful....for my friend Christine. There aren't words to express how much she means to me.

I am thankful...for my friend Jeanne. I haven't even met her in real life, but she has become an important person in my life. She has been a role model to me....showing me how to carry on when I think that I can't.

and I am thankful for my family.... my mom and dad, my grandma and my sister...who are all so supportive, and love Sam for just who she is (of course, she's easy to love!).

Cranberry-Pear Chutney

2010-11-22T11:02:00.000-06:00

Thankfully my mom is in charge of most of the food for Thanksgiving. And, since my parents are also trying a gluten free diet, our entire meal will be gluten free! This year I'm bringing the desserts and my Cranberry-Pear Chutney. It's really easy to make, and SO good....and as a bonus it will make your house smell fantastic! I also love that you can make it several days ahead of time.

Cranberry-Pear Chutney
2 cups fresh cranberries
4 firm ripe pears, peeled and chopped
3/4 cup sugar
1/2 cup apple cider vinegar
2 t. fresh ginger root, grated
1/2 t. cinnamon
1/4 t. cloves

Combine all ingredients in a medium saucepan. Heat to boiling; reduce heat to low. Cook 1 to 1 1/2 hours, stirring frequently, until thickened. Cool slightly; cover and refrigerate for up to 2 weeks. Serve at room temperature.

Gracie :)

2010-11-20T07:34:00.001-06:00

For the past couple of months I've found myself searching petfinder.com ....for anyone who is unfamiliar with it, it's a great website to search for adoptable pets in your area. I don't know why (because I certainly didn't NEED another dog...we have Ella), but I've been looking at the dogs, kind of waiting for a perfect match for our family to come along. Casey had been staying with my parents for the last year, because he was having health issues and considering everything going on with Sam, it was just better for my mom to take care of him (he had always been with them quite a bit anyway because they took him to the lake all the time)....and we knew that Casey was near the end of his life. So, I would look at petfinder now and then, thinking "this isn't a good idea"....but I would look anyway. I'm a total sucker for dogs who need homes (thanks, mom and dad!). I had seen "Blondie" before...thought she was cute, but I don't know why she didn't catch my attention more.

But then on Tuesday I really started looking at her, and I called the shelter. She sounded great.....friendly, about 24 lbs, good with kids and other pets, about 1.5 to 2 years old. It just so happened that my husband had Wednesday off, so we made the hour drive to look at her while Emily and Gabe were in school (I didn't want them to know until this was a done deal). When we got to the shelter and said we were there to look at Blondie the workers all said "oh, she's a sweetie!"....good sign! We met her and fell in love. She was sweet, friendly, and tried to give Sam kisses. :) I already had the adoption application filled out so we turned it in and said we'd like to adopt her. They said everything looked good, but that they'd have to contact our vet and our references, so we'd probably hear back later in the afternoon and would be able to pick her up the next day. Well, we were about 3/4 of the way back home when they called and said we were approved! So when the kids got done with school I told them what I had done (they approved whole-heartedly!) and we went back to pick up our new little girl.


picking up Blondie/Gracie at the shelter

We decided to name her Gracie. She's such a sweet girl, and things are going better than I had hoped. Ella is a little bent out of shape....Gracie wants desperately to be friends with her and wants to play, but Ella isn't quite ready for that. I'm sure she'll warm up, though, because Ella is also a really friendly, playful, good-natured dog. They have similar personalities. We've had a few accidents in the house, but we had that happen when we first got Ella, too. The behavior "problems" we're having are really minor (like putting her feet up on the kitchen counter)....Gracie is a really smart girl and I'm sure she'll catch on quickly...she's still learning how everything works around here.

making herself at home in her forever home

I can't understand how someone could lose her and not want to get her back. She was in the pound and then in the shelter since October 6th. She's a happy, well-adjusted dog...not to mention adorable! She's great with the kids, and has such a wonderful personality. We're lucky to have her!

she won't quit moving so most of the pictures are like this!

Ella showing Gracie the backyard

I could go on about how great she is, but I've already gone on too long! I have my thoughts on what kind of mix she is, but do any of you have any ideas? We might have to get doggie DNA testing done just for fun!

Check it out!....12 Days of Awesome!

2010-11-18T12:01:00.000-06:00

If you read stark.raving.mad.mommy.'s blog you know how awesome it is! If you don't, you really should check it out. She writes about parenting, special needs, and life in general in a hilarious, touching, and down to earth way.

one of my favorite blogs EVER!

I'm super excited because I'm part of her 12 Days of Awesome blog giveaway that she's having from this coming Monday, Nov. 22 until Friday, Dec. 3. She's going to give away great prizes everyday...you can see them here, here, and here....and a Sugar & Spice doll will be one of them! The winner of the doll will get to pick from the dolls in my shop. Good luck!

Rest in Peace Casey

2010-11-14T11:00:00.000-06:00

You were a good boy. I'm glad I saw your potential. I hope you're having fun playing with Shiloh right now.

Gluten Free Peanut Butter-Chocolate Chip-Banana Muffins

2010-11-12T13:24:00.000-06:00

I have these muffins baking in the oven right now....it's one of my all time favorite muffin recipes! I've been making these muffins for many years, and couldn't go without them just because I went gluten free! So I substituted Pamela's Pancake and Baking mix for the wheat flour and leavening in the original recipe. If you want to make them with wheat flour, just substitute that for the baking mix, add 1 T baking powder and 3/4 tsp salt, and omit 1 egg.

Gluten Free Peanut Butter-Chocolate Chip-Banana Muffins
2 1/4 cups Pamela's Pancake and Baking mix
1/4 cup ground flaxseed
1/2 cup sugar
1/2 cup packed brown sugar
1 t cinnamon
2 large ripe bananas, mashed (1 cup)
1 cup milk
3/4 cup peanut butter
2 eggs
1 t vanilla
3/4 cup chocolate chips

In a large bowl stir together baking mix, flaxseed, sugars, and cinnamon. In another bowl combine bananas, milk, peanut butter, vanilla and egg. Add to the flour mixture, stirring until just combined. Stir in chocolate chips. Spoon batter into lined muffin cups. Bake at 350 F for 25 minutes.

Sam's Quilt (aka my therapy)

2010-11-10T16:19:00.000-06:00

For the last two days I've been sewing...making this quilt for ~~Sam~~ me.

I say that because even though the quilt is for Sam, the process of making it was for me. I love to make things...I love to take fabric and combine the colors and patterns to make something pretty or cute. I love sewing...I love the whole process. I swear I could do this all day, every day.

So when I make something like this it's almost like a mental health break for me. I feel guilty doing things like this, but it's so good for me. It recharges me and makes me happy....so if I need and excuse to create something, like saying it's for one of my kids, then so be it! (next is a pillow for Emily!)

Special Needs Blog Hop

2010-11-04T09:49:00.000-05:00

Ok...I'm trying this blog hop thing...let's see if I can get it right! :)

This week's question: What do you love most about your child?

What a tough question! I love Sam's sweet disposition, her giggle, her little quirks (twisting her feet, swinging her hair from side to side, etc)....
But the thing I probably love the most is the way she likes to cuddle. :) She's often in my lap...bouncing, sticking her fingers in my armpit (yes, I know that sounds weird, but it's comforting to her, so what am I going to do?). She loves to be close. Every night she falls asleep with her arms around mine....it's wonderful. :)

the A-Team

2010-11-03T07:04:00.000-05:00

Well, it's official. As of yesterday Sam has her autism diagnosis. No surprises...there was no doubt in my mind. Funny, I thought that as prepared as I was, I would still cry when we actually got a diagnosis. But I didn't. I think it had to do with the experience we had with the psychologist who diagnosed her. It was absolutely the best experience I've had with a doctor regarding Sam EVER. Doctoring with my sweet girl has been frustrating....most doctors don't seem to see the whole picture, they see bits and pieces. We always seem to end up with lots of questions and very few answers (regarding her seizures, weight, etc)....I've also been told some things that are frankly just untrue and ridiculous. I had a good feeling going into this appointment. I had heard good things from our therapists, and I just had a feeling that we were going to get somewhere. I had already filled out information that the doctor had gone over before we got there, and right from the start of the appointment I felt she was really listening to me, and that she was really seeing the whole picture.....the seizures, the regression, the behaviors. She got it! She was practical, she had common sense...something we don't always see, unfortunately. We left with a diagnosis and a plan, and for once I felt validated and listened to as Sam's mom.

Last night I called my friend Christine (yes, we're both Christines) who has an (almost) 4 year old little girl with autism. It might sound weird if you don't have kids with special needs but Christine said "I'm so happy for you!" Because she knows what it's like....she's been there....she struggled to get a diagnosis for her daughter. And also she knows Sam...she knows this is the right diagnosis. So now Sam is officially on "the A-Team"....along with the other wonderful children and adults we're meeting on this journey. I'm encouraged and feel that now we can get her more of the help and services that she needs and deserves.

refocusing.....

2010-10-29T16:49:00.000-05:00

I apologize if I was a Debbie Downer in my Grinchy post yesterday...it's just that no matter how hard I try to be positive and look at the good things in life, some days I do struggle. This will be our first "Christmas with Autism". The advice I've gotten in the comments to my post about dreading Christmas have been really helpful, and I'm taking it to heart. Today I've been trying to refocus....to look at the good things as the holidays approach.

Hopefully I can be this Grinch instead

I have a very small family, so the holidays for us are less stressful and busy than I'm sure they are for many of you. My family is also very supportive....they accept Sam for the wonderful little girl she is....they don't expect her to be someone she is not. I'm so grateful for that! So I think we'll just have a really laid back Christmas....no pressure (that's my plan anyway!). I've thought of a few things I can get for Sam that I think she'll like. I think I'll get her some more play food (not because she pretends it's food, but because she likes the different textures). And I've already been scouring the internet today for "Bear in the Big Blue House" items....because if there's one thing that Sam loves it's Bear in the Big Blue House. :)

Sam LOVES Bear!

Feeling Grinchy

2010-10-28T19:39:00.001-05:00

I debated whether or not I should write about this. I don't want to sound like I'm whining. So many people are dealing with much bigger things than I am. But I decided to write, because I suspect other parents of special needs kids feel the same way I do. I'm coming to realize that no matter how hard I try to accept the way that things are, grief will always be an ongoing process.

I'm feeling quite Grinchy

I was in Target the other night. Since it's almost Halloween they were getting Christmas stuff out. It made me sad. I don't want Christmas to come this year. I've never been that big into Christmas, but the kids love it so much...and I thought that by this year Sam would be starting to love it too. Last year at this time she was doing pretty well...making progress....then (as I've mentioned before) she regressed in February. We got her a super cute little pink retro kitchen for Christmas last year. This year I don't know what to get for her. I walk through the toy aisles and instead of seeing tons of things that she'd love, I'm finding it difficult to find anything. She's just not very interested in toys, and I can only buy her so many teether-type toys to satisfy her oral needs. She doesn't open presents. So what do I get for her? I have picked up a few things, including a LeapFrog magnetic alphabet set and a Fisher Price iXL. I figure even if she doesn't take to them now, she might grow into them....it's not that I don't have hope! :)

I'm going to try to be festive, I really am....after all, I have Emily and Gabe to think about (if it wasn't for them I think I'd skip the holidays this year). So....how do the rest of you do it? Do you just fake it? Go through the motions? For now, I figure I'll follow Dory's advice. :)

Chewy Granola Bars

2010-10-27T14:14:00.000-05:00

Here's another great recipe from Glutenfreeville.com! I made the recipe for Gooey Granola Bars the other day, using pecans, mini chocolate chips, and dried cranberries. I started making the recipe, planning to use chocolate chips, then I realized...doh! the granola mixture is warm, so I can't stir the chocolate chips directly into it! So I put half the granola mixture in the pan, sprinkled half the chocolate chips on it, and then repeated with more of the granola mixture and the rest of the chocolate chips on top. It worked great! This makes a nice, chewy granola bar....a great alternative to the ones you can purchase in the stores. I love that this recipe contains quinoa flakes!

Carrot Apple Muffins

2010-10-25T07:31:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I know...I should just change the name of my blog to "The Just Gluten Free Muffins Blog"! :)
Anyway, these muffins are really good! I found the recipe for "Ultimate GF Carrot Muffins" on Glutenfreeville and tweaked them a bit. I left out the nuts and raisins (my kids don't like nuts and I don't like raisins in baked things....sensory issues, you know). I also replaced some of the oil with unsweetened applesauce and flaxseed meal. These muffins are very flavorful, moist, and not too sweet. I love the fact that they're packed full of carrots and apples!

Carrot Apple Muffins
(adapted from "Ultimate GF Carrot Muffins")

2 cups Pamela's GF Pancake and Baking Mix
2 t. cinnamon
1/4 t. salt
1 cup brown sugar
2 cups finely shredded carrots
1 apple, shredded
3 large eggs
1/2 cup unsweetened applesauce
1/4 cup canola oil
1/4 cup flaxseed meal

Preheat oven to 350F. In a large bowl mix baking mix, cinnamon and salt. In another bowl combine the carrots, apples (I didn't bother to peel), eggs, applesauce, oil, and flax. Stir the wet ingredients into the dry ingredients until well combined. Spoon batter into 12-14 paper lined muffin tins, and bake about 20 minutes.

"gymnastics"

2010-10-23T09:20:00.000-05:00

Every Friday morning Sam has "gymnastics"....well, really, she goes to TNT Kid's Fitness and Gymnastics where they have a fabulous special needs program. Nate (her "personal trainer") does such a great job with her...Sam loves him! He works one on one with her so that she gets exactly what she needs.

Nate and Sam

I don't think I've mentioned it before, but Sam isn't walking yet. We really don't know why...her therapists think she has the strength and ability to walk unassisted if she would choose to. She seems to lack the confidence....maybe it has to do with sensory issues, I don't really know. But I think her time with Nate is helping with that. She seems to view it as play more than she does her other therapies. I've seen improvements since we started 8 weeks ago.

Swinging is fun and helps with balance

Last week was the best...Nate asks Sam to give him her hands, and last week was the first time she held her hands out for him to grab. She did it about 5 times...I almost cried! Yesterday she wasn't quite as focused...maybe because she had decided to get up at 5am and she was tired...but she still did pretty well. Although she was a bit fixated on the white tape on the floor for awhile, and didn't want to do the "obstacle course"....she wanted to put her head down on those lines instead. Sam loves smooth surfaces. :)

the white line was more fun than climbing this week

what she should have been doing!

We plan to keep going to TNT indefinitely. Nate has such a way with the kids he works with....he connects with them, and treats them with such respect. He treats them like a child first, not a child with special needs. My friend Christine has called him "the special needs whisperer"....he just seems to get them. :)

being bounced on the trampoline is her favorite!

Redheads Rock!

2010-10-21T13:26:00.000-05:00

"Ginger"

I was recently asked to make a custom doll for Anne Lindsay, a photographer who is putting together a book about natural redheads called "Redheads and More Redheads". You can read about it on her blog. I love this project because my daughter, Emily, is a natural redhead! Anne sent me this great picture of one of her gorgeous little redheaded models with the doll I made for her (the doll's name is Ginger). I love when I get pictures of my dolls in their new homes. :) Thank you Anne!

Mushroom, Spinach and Roasted Red Pepper Frittata

2010-10-13T12:10:00.000-05:00

Lunch today is some leftover frittata that I threw together last night...and I do mean threw together! I'll admit...I'm a carboholic. I love carbs. I'm making an effort to eat fewer carb-based meals and snacks. I'll also admit that I don't eat enough vegetables. Fruit...no problem. But vegetables are another thing. So frittatas are a great way to enjoy a lower carb meal and get more vegetables into my diet! Last night I made this one with some leftover baby spinach, baby portobello mushrooms, and roasted red peppers. I just sauteed them in a little olive oil, then mixed the vegetables with eggs, feta cheese, salt and pepper and baked it...easy peasy, and really good! I think the next one I'm going to make is going to have broccoli, mushrooms and swiss cheese...mmmm.

omgosh!....Chocolate Pumpkin Sheet Cake!

2010-10-10T17:19:00.000-05:00

This weekend I made my second ever gluten free cake. I found the recipe for Gluten Free Chocolate Pumpkin Sheet Cake by Jeanine of thebakingbeauties.com. Wow! This is such a great cake! It tastes like a really yummy chocolate cake...it didn't taste pumpkiny to me, but the pumpkin makes it very moist. The cream cheese icing makes it decadent, but the cake is excellent by itself. For the gluten free flour mix I used Authentic Foods GF Classical Blend. I think this would make a great layer cake as well, because it holds together very nicely. Everyone raved about how good it was...even the gluten eaters! I'll definitely be making this cake again!

Double Digits!

2010-10-09T06:43:00.001-05:00

Happy 10th Birthday to Gabe (my middle kid)! He's so much fun...he's a sweet, kind kid with a great sense of humor. Gabe loves legos, Star Wars, video games (and the Lego Star Wars video game) and Godzilla! I feel so lucky to have him in my life. He requested an "un-gluten free" cake for his birthday, to I suppose I should go make that now. Happy Birthday Gabe!

What's done is done, right?

2010-10-07T10:36:00.000-05:00

That's what I want to think. Most of the time I can convince my self of that...most of the time I don't blame myself for the issues that Sam has. But sometimes that doubt creeps in...like in the past few days. I think the fact that nobody knows what causes autism makes it hard. Sure, there are theories, but nobody knows. That leaves me, as the mother of an autistic child, to look at what I've done...to wonder if it's because of something I did or didn't do. Is it because I got a flu shot when I was pregnant...the first and only time I've had a flu shot. I got it because it was recommended for pregnant women and I thought I was doing the right thing. Is it because I consumed too many artificial sweeteners? Is it because I didn't eat organic foods? Is it because I was at an outdoor play where they sprayed for mosquitoes when I was about 6 weeks pregnant? Do I have faulty genes? Was I too old when I had her? I know that wondering about these things doesn't do us any good now. But sometimes I can help but wonder if I could have prevented this. And the thing is, if one of my friends started talking this way I'd say "don't even go there! You didn't do anything wrong!" So why do I do this to myself?

Ella is an advocate!

2010-10-01T11:54:00.001-05:00

Ella wants to be an advocate for Sam too! I found these great autism awareness dog collars handmade by Jennifer Sapp while searching on etsy for autism items....so Ella had to have one! It's so cute and well made and a great way for Ella to help raise awareness! Jennifer also has a shop on ebay called Maltipaws. She sells all kinds of dog collars...from autism and breast cancer awareness to flowers, peace signs, camo, skull and crossbones, and holiday collars....she has something for every dog! These collars are really well made in addition to being super cute (and shipping was really fast!).

I tried to get a picture of Ella sporting her new accessory, but she didn't want to get her picture taken. You'd think a dog who wants constant attention would love being photographed but she hates it...so this is the best I could do...

What autism looks like to me

2010-09-30T11:49:00.000-05:00

my beautiful Sam :)

Autism looks different to everyone. There's saying that "if you've met one child with autism, you've met one child with autism". This is what autism looks like to me....

Happy girl!

We were all outside in the leaves yesterday...Sam loves being outside. She's not very adventurous, but I can tell that she loves to take in what's around her....the feel of the grass, the rustle of the leaves, the shadows on the ground, the wind in her hair.

Stimming

A lot of her time outside yesterday was spent stimming. She would lay on her back with her legs in the air, twirling her feet. She has twirled and clapped her feet since she was very little...even before she regressed in her social and communication skills. She also flaps her hands and does this funny little motion with her right hand up in the air....kind of like she's trying to make her hand fly. She does this when she's happy or excited....so even though it's the autism, it makes me smile. It's the way she is, and she's happy. And I love her for who she is.

Pure joy!

a very special hug :)

2010-09-29T09:02:00.000-05:00

One of the misconceptions that I had about autism until I started reading was that people with autism don't like to be touched. But I've learned that this is often not the case. This was one of the reasons why at first when Sam regressed I didn't think that it could be autism. She loves touching and hugging and snuggling (especially with me). She's frequently climbing or sitting on me, and we sleep together....often with her holding on to my arm. So it's not uncommon for her to hug me around my neck when she's sitting on my lap. But two nights ago she did something more. She was sitting on my lap facing me and I asked her to give me a hug and she did it! The reason this was so fabulous is because Sam doesn't really respond to directions or requests. So for her to give me a hug when I asked her to was amazing.....and it gives me hope. Baby steps. :)

Marble Cake

2010-09-27T06:45:00.000-05:00

I've done quite a bit of gluten free baking at this point, but yesterday I made my first gluten free cake. We were celebrating my dad's birthday a few days late, and since he and my mom are also trying a gluten free diet, it was the perfect excuse to try a cake! I wanted to try something pretty basic, so I opted for the Marble Snack Cake from the gluten free section of the Land O' Lakes website. I only made a couple of changes....I used Pamela's Baking and Pancake mix instead of the Land O' Lakes flour blend (so I omitted the baking powder), and I used Vanilla Almond milk. The reviews for this cake were all excellent, and we weren't disappointed! This cake is very moist and yummy....and it's almost gone!

I made tortillas!

2010-09-24T17:48:00.000-05:00

Yeah, it doesn't take much to get me excited! :) One thing I've missed since going gluten free is flour tortillas....I miss quesadillas! The store bought ones I've tried have been kind of, ummm....disgusting. (If anyone has recommendations for a great gluten free tortilla please let me know!). I've been wanting to try making them and tonight I finally did! I used a recipe from Living Without magazine and I'm pretty happy with the way they turned out. I do need to work on my technique a little. I had trouble rolling them out so that they were round (I cheated and used a pizza cutter on the edges!). I'd also like to make them a little thinner. But overall I think they turned out great for my first attempt! They really weren't hard to make....I know I'll be making them again!


my first homemade gluten free tortillas!

we had black bean & cheese quesadillas for dinner!

Thanks, Sam (well, they ARE cute shoes...)

2010-09-22T15:59:00.001-05:00

what does she see when she studies her shoes?

I'm not going to lie. I try really hard to be positive, but sometimes this autism stuff is hard and tiring. I get tired of therapies, I get tired of worrying about Sam's future. Sometimes little things get me upset...it's funny how that happens. The other day I bought her this little toy phone I thought she might like.....it has flashing lights like her favorite radio. I gave it to her when we got home...she looked at it for all of ten seconds and then threw it on the floor and proceeded to study her shoe for a half hour (she does have cute shoes, but I don't think she was appreciating the cuteness). I also have a bunch of toys in the basement from when Emily and Gabe were little..but Sam has no interest in them. Will she ever? Sometimes I think I should just get rid of all of it, but I can't yet. I'm not ready. Yeah, it's funny how sometimes the little things are the hardest for me to take.

But even though my life has gotten a lot harder in many ways, in many more ways Sam has made my life so much better. She has enriched my life so much in her 2 1/2 years. She's made me a more compassionate and empathetic person (although I have less tolerance for pettiness than I did before). She's made me want to stand up and fight for what's right. She's caused me to reach out to others who are in need, when I might have kept walking by at one time. I don't jump to conclusions as easily as I once did....things are not always the way they appear to be. If I see a child acting up in the store it might not be because he's a spoiled brat or because his mom doesn't know how to parent. Having Sam has made me a better, more patient mom....to her and to Emily and Gabe. She has shown me where my priorities should lie. I don't sweat the small stuff as much anymore.....a pipe leaking in the basement? the tree in the backyard died? at least it isn't a seizure and a hospital stay! She has made me slow down and look at the beauty in the imperfect world around me. She has made me a better me.

Thanks Sam...for teaching me.
Thanks Sam....for being you. :)

Win a Sugar & Spice doll!

2010-09-20T06:49:00.002-05:00

tree topper in a snowflake dress

***Added Oct. 1: the winner of the Sugar & Spice doll is entry #21: Kitty Vane! Thanks to everyone who entered!***

I've finally finished up some Christmas Tree Toppers and have them in my etsy shop....so to celebrate getting "caught up" I'm having a giveaway! One person will win the doll of his/her choice (including tree toppers) from my shop.

It's easy to enter, and each person can have up to 3 entries.

Entry #1: go to my etsy shop and look through the dolls... then come back here and post which doll you'd choose if you won in the comments section below.

Entry #2: tweet about this giveaway with a link to this blog post and leave a separate comment telling me that you tweeted.

Entry #3: post about this giveaway with a link to this blog post on facebook, and leave a separate comment below telling me that you did.

I'll take entries through midnight on September 30th, and the winner will be chosen by a random number generator and announced on October 1, 2010. Good luck! :)

there's a Sugar & Spice doll for everyone!

Hash Brown-Egg Bake

2010-09-17T16:24:00.002-05:00

This is another one of my easy meals....the kind that I love so much! It's a great breakfast/brunch recipe, but I usually make it for dinner I've been using Al Fresco Sweet Apple Chicken Sausage ....omgosh! I can't tell you how good this sausage is! It's one of my new favorite "discoveries".

Hash Brown-Egg Bake
1/4 cup sour cream
4 eggs
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp pepper
15 oz. frozen hashbrowns, thawed
2 oz. swiss cheese, shredded
2 chicken sausage links (about 6 oz)

Preheat oven to 350F. In a medium bowl, whisk together sour cream, eggs, salt and pepper. Add the remaining ingredients and mix until combined. Pour into a 2 qt. baking dish and bake for 30 minutes or until set.

mirror, mirror, on the wall....

2010-09-15T12:08:00.001-05:00

....who's the sweetest girl of all?

Sam has been doing well with her therapy since last week (knock on wood). She hasn't been crying through her entire sessions and she's been more engaged with her therapists (I used to think of "a ring and a wedding date" when I heard the word engaged...not anymore!). She's even been having some fun...I've even heard some giggling at times! She's also been trying to see up on the kitchen counters....standing on her little tip toes, pulling things off and throwing them on the floor. It's so nice to see some progress!

Then last night something else happened. Sam used to look in mirrors. She used to like to look at herself before she regressed. I've seen her looking at herself in mirrors again on occasion just recently. Last night she went over to a mirror I have sitting on the floor. She looked at herself, and started opening her mouth and nodding her head up and down....really looking at herself. She stuck out her tongue and grabbed it with her fingers while watching herself in the mirror. She *knew* she was looking at herself in the mirror. It was the first time in a long time I've been sure that she knew. I almost cried.....I called my mom, so excited. She loves to hear about Sam's ~~little~~ big accomplishments and she gets excited right along with me.

In my life now little things have become big things.

It's about adapting....changing my expectations.

I can do this. :)

Cranberry-Feta Quinoa

2010-09-14T18:46:00.000-05:00

I used to make this dish using couscous, and I've missed it since I went gluten free. So today I made it using quinoa.....it's so quick and good! I love this for a quick lunch or light dinner.

Cranberry-Feta Quinoa
1/2 cup uncooked quinoa
2 oz. smoked turkey, chopped
3 oz. crumbled feta
1/2 cup dried cranberries
1/4 cup chopped pecans
mandarin oranges, chopped (I used 2 individual sized serving cups, reserving the juice from one)
1 T. olive oil

Cook the quinoa according to package directions. Combine everything in a large bowl (including the juice from one of the mandarin orange cups). Toss gently until combined. Serve at room temperature or chilled.

More muffins... Quinoa this time

2010-09-13T11:57:00.000-05:00

Maybe it's becoming apparent that muffins are my favorite thing to bake. :) It's true...I love baking them and I love eating them. I've also been rather enamored with quinoa lately, so it makes sense that the Quinoa Muffins with Pecans from the Gluten-Free Goddess were on my short list of things to try. As an added bonus they're made with chocolate chips too! I made a batch this morning while Sam was having PT...I really like them! They're substantial and not too sweet. I kind of miss bran muffins since I went gluten free, but I think these are better than bran! I did use Bob's Red Mill Gluten Free All Purpose Baking Flour instead of the flours and potato starch called for in the recipe...I do like to save time when I can. :)

Support....

2010-09-11T07:29:00.000-05:00

I love the internet. I love facebook. Without them I never would have stumbled upon the FM Autism Support Group's page a couple of months ago, and I wouldn't have gone to my first autism support group meeting last night. It was wonderful. I knew it would be, because I've been talking with some of these women on facebook, and I've met a few of them (one is now my BFF!). But it was so great to be there sitting in a circle with this great group of parents. When you think of a support group you might tend to picture a group of people sitting around commiserating, talking about their problems, maybe crying...but not this group! There was so much laughter in that room, and everyone knows how good laughter is for the soul. This is a group of parents with an instant bond...an instant understanding of each other. Moms (and dads too!) who might never have been friends, might never have met, if they didn't share something in common that changes a person's life at it's very core....having a child with special needs/autism. A group of parents who innately understand each others fears, sadness, frustrations, and JOY, and are dedicated to making the best lives possible for their beautiful children. I'm so happy to be a part of this group! My calendar is marked for next month...you couldn't keep me away! :)

Cheesy Rice and Beans

2010-09-11T06:50:00.000-05:00

This vegetarian meal is SO easy and simple...great for week night dinners! I've been making it since my oldest daughter was very small. She loves it so much that we used to call it "Emily's Rice & Beans". I usually make it meatless, but sometimes I do add diced chicken if I have some left over. This reheats well and I love it for lunches. Top it with sour cream! :)

Cheesy Rice and Beans

1 cup uncooked rice
1 can black beans, rinsed and drained
1 can pinto beans, rinsed and drained
1 can diced tomatoes, drained
1 can corn, drained
1 T chili powder
1 t cumin
1-2 cups shredded cheddar cheese (depending on how cheesy you like it!)

Cook rice according to package directions. Preheat oven to 350F. Combine all ingredients in a large baking dish. Bake for 30 minutes, until hot and cheese is melted.

Self Portrait

2010-09-09T06:37:00.000-05:00

I swear, I'm never going to grow up

Back to School... (and Blueberry Muffins!)

2010-09-07T07:14:00.000-05:00

Emily started 7th grade today....so hard for me to believe! She walked off to the bus stop this morning with her autism awareness button on her backpack....*tears*. She's at a new school this year...she's nervous, but she has some friends there already and I'm sure she'll be fine. She's good at making friends. :) Gabe started back last week, and he seems to be liking it so far (which is wonderful considering how difficult it used to be getting him to go to school).

Usually I'm beyond ready for this time of the year, but this time it feels different. I think the kids distracted me from my "troubles" this summer. They kept me busy and they kept me company. I'm a little apprehensive about them going back to school this year, but I'll be ok. Sam has a schedule that will be keeping me busy....hopefully it won't get to be too much. She has 8 therapies per week.......2 OT, 2 ST, 2 PT, 1 Early Intervention, and a one-on-one session at TNT Kid's Fitness on Fridays with Nate....they have a special needs program which I'm thrilled with so far! And in between her therapies we'll be working on making dolls, baking, cooking and signing. Oh, and we might do music therapy as well! It seems like a lot for a little girl who is only two and a half, but I'm trying to do what's best for her....I hope I'm doing the right thing(s). But I guess that's true with all of our kids, whether they have special needs or not. :)

Anyhoo, so this morning I sent the kids off full of blueberry muffins (Gabe's favorite!). These are gluten free, made with Pamela's Baking and Pancake Mix (which reminds me...I need to order more!). I love this recipe from Pamela's website because it's really yummy and so versatile...you could use lots of different kinds of fruits/nuts. I used frozen blueberries...if you mix the blueberries into your dry ingredients before adding the wet ingredients your batter won't end up all blue!

I hope that dog food is gluten free!

2010-09-05T13:05:00.000-05:00

Today I'm happy that my daughter ate dog food.

Let me back up: Having Sam in my life has really made me appreciate the small things...the tiniest accomplishments that we tend to take for granted. Last winter Sam was always getting into the Ella's water bowl....splashing & playing if she got the chance...like a lot of little kids do. Of course I didn't encourage this and had to put Ella's bowl up on the counter if Sam was in the kitchen, but I didn't realize how much I appreciated it until Sam quit doing it. When the February Regression of 2010 happened she quit doing anything like that...she quit taking things out of the kitchen cupboard, she quit exploring the house, she quit messing with the keyboard when I was trying to type... she quit having much interest in anything. I didn't realize how wonderful those things were until they were gone. Then about 6 weeks ago she went from the living room to the kitchen again on her own...she hadn't done that in months...I was ecstatic! She's been having a little more interest in things since then...going down the hallway to the bedroom on her own, crawling into the bathtub because she likes the smooth surface, wanting to play in the water in the bathroom sink, doing some babbling like I mentioned earlier....these things are fabulous and I don't take them for granted anymore! They are baby steps...little signs of progress for most, but bigger for her. They give me hope.

So anyway, last night she headed off into the kitchen and I heard her splashing in the dog water! OMGosh she hasn't done that in months!!! I called my mom... "guess what? Sam got into the dog water!"....I'm so thankful to have a family that is just as happy about these things as I am! I sent a message to my friend, Christine, too....because she knows exactly how I feel. Then this morning I was doing the dishes and I heard Sam messing around with something...I looked over to see what it was, and there she was....playing in Ella's food! She even tried eating a few pieces. :) And before you say "what a horrible mother!"...I did take it away from her. :) But it was so exciting for me to see her exploring her environment and showing interest in things, even if it's just a little bit. I'll take what I can get, you know? And yes, I think Ella's food is gluten free (she eats a duck and potato food to help with itchy skin)...so we're safe there. :)

Ella

2010-09-04T11:21:00.001-05:00

Sam is not the only 2 year old girl in our house...we also have Ella! Ella is our Cavapoo (a cross between a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel and a Poodle)...and we absolutely adore her! She's a sweet girl with the best personality. She's bubbly, funny, friendly, smart, trusting, gentle, and sometimes obnoxious when it comes to play time! She can get bossy when she wants us to throw toys for her. :)

Ella loves to run around the backyard, playing with the kids...and they can hardly keep her off of the trampoline!

She loves to eat and take walks (preferably 2 or 3 a day) and sleep on the bed (or in Sam's little chair).

We've had Ella for a year and a half now. We're her third (and forever) home...she's proof that you can find wonderful things on craigslist! She had really bad separation anxiety when we got her, but that's gotten a lot better (and she doesn't need to be home alone very often). She couldn't be a better dog to have with kids, and we couldn't love her more! :)

Peanut Butter Quinoa Cookies

2010-09-03T13:29:00.000-05:00

Today feels like a baking day...it's cool and windy, but at least the sun is shining! I think it's officially the beginning of fall here in Minnesota. I've read so much in the past about what a wonderfood quinoa is but I've only recently started cooking with it. I didn't even know until a few weeks ago that you can buy Quinoa Flakes which can be eaten as hot cereal and can be used in baking. I've baked with them a few times now and I've been really happy with the results. So today I decided to try making Peanut Butter Quinoa Cookies from Karina Allrich, the Gluten-Free Goddess.

These cookies are really good! I threw some mini chocolate chips in because my kids like them (yes, I'll blame it on the kids!). They're kind of crisp and chewy at the same time, with a good peanut butter flavor...and not too sweet. I know I'll be making these again, because I don't think this batch is going to last long. My kids will love them...they've even stopped asking "is this gluten free?" before grabbing baked goods around here because they've learned that they're GOOD!

Cute Autism Awareness necklaces!

2010-09-01T14:44:00.001-05:00

So, I was browsing etsy the other day for autism awareness products and I came across these super cute necklaces by etsy seller April Schmidt (aka cheekycrafts)! They're not your typical autism jewelry, and they're totally my style (I have a *thing* for polka dots), so how could I not get one? Actually, I had to get 2 because I have a friend who needs one, too (Christine, if you're reading this, you have to come visit me to get yours...it's the top one). Plus, all of the proceeds from this shop go to autism awareness and education, so it's for a good cause! I can see these necklaces being a great conversation starter....check out April's shop, she has other cute autism awareness items as well!

cute puzzle necklaces for autism awareness